Zero confidence

Well...I've always been a bigger girl compared to my classmates and family...as a kid you don't really notice your weight cause all you focus on is having fun...as I got into middle school I noticed how ugly I really was...I didn't know how to tame my curly hair,I was bigger then the other girls,pimples all over my face and I started getting them on my back,and it didn't help that the pastor's kid to the church I went to constantly called me names...as 8th grade rolled around I found myself absolutely revolting... I started to self harm and not eat and at the time my parents were fighting alot...about 5 months went by and my family noticed...I started seeing a psychiatrist and I was put on antidepressants...things got a bit better for a while but I quickly realized that my parents couldn't pay for my weekly appointments or my medication...so I faked being happy...and it worked like a charm...time went by and I started 9th grade and I just stopped thinking about my appearance Because things were getting really bad with my parents...the fights were awful...I wasn't getting any attention from them whatsoever...I felt so alone and abandoned....and at the time a friend of mine started to notice me in a sexual way and I craved attention from someone so badly that I let him do what he wanted with me just so I could feel loved... even if it was for 10 min I wanted to feel wanted...fast forward to now I'm in 12th grade...I managed to keep my feelings hidden but in the beginning of 2017 my parents separated...my world fell apart... my mom and dad were feeding me lies,the police were called,I had to be put on antianxiety medicine,court hearings,and not even a year had gone by when my mom got herself a boyfriend and 2 months later he moves in with my mom,siblings,and I.Its now 2018 and my friend and I still hook up for sex,I feel alone and ugly,I fight with my mom alot,I only see my dad 4 times a week if I'm lucky,idk what to feel anymore honestly I'm just tired...I often find myself feeling like that sad little girl in 8th grade,I find my self being too emotional and too caring but I can't help it...I just wanted to rant...to get this all off my chest even though not everything was said...