worst best day of my life


3/7/17 the day I was able to hear the heartbeat of what was supposed to be my second baby, heart beat was strong at 176.20bpm everything looked great, next appointment was set for 3/31/17 woke up that morning it was a great day after it was my first born sons 2nd birthday and we were gonna see our new little addition today right? get to the doctor they call me back to listen for a heart beat on the Doppler I was a day shy of 12 weeks and was told not to freak out if we couldn't find it that I'm still early so it might not pick it up, she tries for a good 5 mins or so and couldn't find it so they send me to the ultrasound room where the nurse begins the process and upon seeing the baby on the screen I remember saying "it still looks like a little dinosaur" the nurse was quiet and started in but I think she already knew something wasn't right, so she stops what she was doing and says "Oh I forgot to put ur info in" stops for a second and then goes right into trying to find the heartbeat and when she turned that thing on and it went straight across the screen me and my husband looked at each other in pure panic. then the nurse tells me to hold my breath and so I did and again straight across the screen. the nurse stopped and looked at me and said "I'm so sorry there's no heartbeat" my world as I knew it completely froze I didn't say a word the nurse asked ma'am did u hear me and it's like I snapped out of this frozen in time moment I was in and the tears began to flow all while my 2 year old is pointing at my belly saying "baby" we were then took back in the other room to meet with my doctor and discuss my options.... a day that was supposed to be filled with so much joy celebrating the birth of our first born and seeing the life of our second growing inside turned to pure heart ache we cried I was sent down for blood work for my d&c; the same day but had to continue to carry the baby the rest of the weekend until Monday when I would have my unborn baby removed from my body and leave the hospital empty handed. And no-one prepares u for the long road after the d and c so much blood and pain and every speck of blood reminds u of what was took from u so now all I have are these pictures I keep hanging behind other pictures so they aren't in my direct view so I don't burst out in tears at the sight of seeing them but I still know they are there and I still sit and cry to myself and now that my sons 3rd birthday is coming up I will forever be reminded of the fact that on 3 /31 of any year will forever be the worst best day of my life I'll always be happy that I have the precious baby boy that I have but my heart will always ache knowing I lost another child the day I celebrate the birth of my first one. they say time heals and I believe it to an extent but maybe because it's only the first anniversary of the worst best day of my life