Crushed another month

I don’t know how to start, or what to share exactly. I do know that I just ripped open a pregnancy test, waited the 3 minutes and saw from afar that single pink line screaming negative.

Most kids imagine their futures with excitement, develop these charming dreams. I dreamt, but of having a family of my own. I was the daughter of a what I like to call a beautiful disaster. My single mother suffered from mental illness and addiction. I learned from a young age what it meant to truly love and care for someone. She left my life during high school and college on a journey of her own. Sadly, her choices and fragility forced her to move on permanently from the world about 2 months ago.

I want more than anything to give life and love to someone of my own. To pack lunches and write embarrassing notes I never received. To go on field trips my mother wasn’t able to attend. Just to love something so pure and innocent.

My partner and I are happily married, and he’s been my best friend for over 10 years. We are more than ready to provide a home filled with joy, love and so much food ;) But, I feel myself growing hopeless even though it’s just under a year we’ve been ttc. I see so many amazing women around me conceiving. It seems constant.

My husband is very supportive, but I can’t see his handsome face turn sour and sad again. So I turn to you. Those that understand most.

I feel broken. I feel depressed. And I can’t help but to blame myself. I don’t even know why.

I admire every single woman on this site. I appreciate your honesty and support.

-Helen Hopeless