Will I ever be the same person?

I found out I was pregnant on February 25th. No words could ever describe the joy that went through my whole body. I waited a day to tell my husband to give myself some time to prepare a little surprise for him. I remember I couldn’t even sleep making plans and thinking of the little bean that was growing inside me. I had my first appointment on March 5th and things were going normal. They set up my first ultrasound on March 15th. Such a Long wait, I thought. I started spotting on March 9th, the spotting became heavy bleeding. Since I saw the bright red blood, I knew that things weren’t going to have a happy ending. I went to the ER, they did a lot of blood tests and an ultrasound. I waited 5 hours to get the results. No heartbeat or gestational sac was found. Right after they did the ultrasound, I passed a huge clot. My heart was broken and has been broken since.

I haven’t been able to find peace, I feel sooo empty and depressed. I think of it every single minute. I can’t understand why that happiness was taken away from me destroying me from the inside. I couldn’t see or hear my baby but I sure started loving him/her since the first moment I knew about his/her existence.

Intimacy with my husband has been terrible as I can’t stop thinking about my little bean.

I don’t know what to do. Any advices on how to continue with life after a miscarriage?