This is kind of long and may be kind of mixed up a bit, sorry about that ahead of time.

I was sexually abused for three years by my previous partner. I’ve been working on that for a long while and dealing with PTSD. Since then I met a very kind and loving man and we were married this year on February 14th. My husband has been wonderfully supportive and does everything he can to help me work through it. He has started taking me to a trauma treatment group on Monday nights where we attend together. It’s difficult for me and way outside my comfort zone, but I want to heal and be the best I can be for myself and for my family.

While we were at group I listened to another woman tell her story. It brought back some repressed memories of being molested by my cousin at age 10. It continued for years. Something my family never intervened in or even really talked about even though it was commonly known. He is intellectually disabled and I was told that it was part of his disability, that I needed to just tell him to stop and not encourage him. He spent a lot of time in our home and he continually targeted me and tried to get me to be alone with him and allow him to touch me until our late twenties when his family moved out of state.

I am no longer in contact with my mother and haven’t been for several years because of her drug abuse and toxic behavior, I don’t want it around myself or my kids. This also I have emotionally struggled with for a while.

These new memories feel like a shock to my system. I’m having a really hard time coping. Small pieces of it all keep popping up every day now. I’m having trouble sleeping, my appetite is gone, new nightmares are happening at night. All things I’m consciously aware of and trying to handle but it’s not easy and I don’t want my husband to worry. We talk every day and he just holds me and reassured me which feels wonderful but I’m still struggling.

Though it brings a lot of clarity to things I never really understood, like an extreme anxiety of being touched by others, even casually, such as a handshake, and a lot of shame and discomfort with my own body growing up. It also makes me feel really insecure, it feels like my reality of my childhood has shifted in a major way. And the pain and the hurt about how absent and neglectful my mother was has only increased with the knowledge that she knew what was happening and did nothing. She protected my sister, but left me to figure things out on my own.

I’m not really sure what my purpose is in posting. I’m just looking for something to help me cope.