You saved me... *TRIGGER WARNING*

You don’t know me yet... at least, not really. You are too little to hear me. You don’t call me anything... at least not yet. You don’t have a name, not yet. I do not know your favorite color, as you do not yet know what colors are. I do not know what music you will like, or what your favorite hobby will be. I haven’t counted your fingers and toes yet, and I do not know the color of your eyes or hair. I know nothing about you, except that you saved me.

Life has been a little rough right now. That is an understatement. I wake up every day wondering why I’ve been cursed with ANOTHER miserable day. I wonder why I can’t just die like everyone seems to want. Your daddy, your daddy is an amazing man and I feel like I just... weigh him down and take up his time, money and energy. Maybe I actually am.

Tonight at work, I spent most of my night in tears. I hid behind telling people I was just stressed out, masking my face by looking down. I counted minutes until I could go home. I had plans of self harm. I have a shelf of pills, none too threatening alone, but together a dangerous cocktail. I have blades. After all those pills, I would not feel the blade drag across my skin. I can’t say for sure I wanted to end my life, as that is a bit extreme for my given situation, but I defiantly just wanted to escape it all for a while.

I entered the bathroom, shut the door, locked it and got ready. Your daddy and puppy on the other side. I could hear your puppy sniffing under the door. I hadn’t even said hello to your daddy. I shed a tear thinking that was our last goodbye. Maybe. I still wasn’t sure. I thought about turning around and running into your daddy’s arms.

Daddy and I have been trying for you for about a year on and off. I had basically given up hope. But something inside me said “test... you’ll be surprised.”

I forced a smile and opened the door. I gathered the tests and the sample cup, pet Mac behind the ears, and returned to the bathroom. I locked the door again. I took the test. I thought I saw something much fainter. I sat on the closed toilet for what felt like forever, waiting and watching. It felt like a few seconds and forever all at once. The line grew darker and I began to cry.

I have barely had you and I almost lost you.

Little one, I am making you a promise. No matter what you do, I will forever love you. I promise to try not to get angry when you wake me up for the 30th time in a night, when you throw your sippy cup on the ground and then scream for it back, and when you make a mess on our new carpet. I promise to put you first. When you are sick, I’ll be beside you. When you are playing a sport, singing, dancing, whatever it is, I’ll be there cheering the loudest for you. Through the good and the bad, I will support you. I will love you.

Unconditionally.

For infinity.