I need help...

I can feel totally fine one moment and the next be trapped inside my head with thoughts driving me insane. I’ve put a blade to my wrist so many times but wonder what life would be like if I was gone. I sit in class silent and look around. Imagine how this group of students would go on without me here. Would anyone be sad? Probably not.. seeing as how most of could careless if I wasn’t there. My boy friend just got off his medication for this... something I will never receive. He’s fine. And I’ve been living a lie. Only problem? I’m only 14 and I’ve wished my life would be over a million times....but I can’t find the words.... help me