Good, morning/afternoon or evening to where every you are in the world.

This is my story so far, I haven’t ever written this down on paper but here goes nothing.

I am currently 32, 33 in 2 months.

When I was 19 I feel pregnant with a long term boyfriend, we were extremely shock to find out I was pregnant but after a few days we decided to keep it and take the journey together. (Looking back I realise how young I was)

However I was pregnant and ready to do this and to be a mummy, just before I got to my 3rd monthly I sadly MC at 13 weeks.

This was one of the most stressful things I have ever been through, I have a very hard relationship with my mum, however my sister was my best friend. Thinking back I can’t remember what made my mum take time to A&E; but I just remember the pain.

My sister who was 16 at the time was my rock through all of this !!! I remember sitting in the A&E; and not knowing what was going on I was so young and didn’t really understand how pregnancy worked.

I was called through so they told me they thought I might be having a MC, I didn’t know what do to I cried, they then put an adult nappy on my to measure the blood I was losing.

I went to the toilet and sneezed and my baby came out of me, I screamed for my sister and here I am joking this little save and baby in my hands, I can honestly say it was one of the safest most stressful moments of my life.

The nurse rushed in and took it off me, she wrapped it up and took it away, I saw her walking away with what had been my child. My partner at the time and my sister got me through that time.

Whilst I was going through all of this my mum was sat on the phone in her car to her new boyfriend. She wasn’t there for me at all and I can’t ever forgive her even all these years on.

I ended up having to have a D&C; and went through a very stressful few weeks, my sister was my shining start in this and she still is to this day. My relationship broke down after a few months as I was extremely messed up after this happened to me.

A few years went on and you learn to live with the pain and you rebuild yourself and put in a brave face. After a couple of years I met someone else, we were together quite a while and we decided to buy a house together. At this point I was 21/22.

Again I feel pregnant and was over the moon this was my chance and I was going to do everything correctly this time and I was keeping this baby !! The guy I was with took a few days to come round but was then so excited and we were so happy, a month or so after we announced it we got engaged.

So st this point life was perfect, I had passed my 12 weeks and everything was going as it should. Christmas came, we got loads of things for the baby as this is what we had asked for, then I slipped coming down the stairs and fell from top to bottom.

I was absolutely stricken with worry that I would have done some damage to the baby, my partner rushed me to A&E; where I was told I had to wait if I was going to loose the baby there was nothing they could do.

A few days later I MC this baby, that was it for me I was absolutely heartbroken and knowing it was my fault. What did I do now, how did I feel ... Guilty !!! I cried and cried I seemed to cry for months ..... it got to the point where my partner was fed up of me and telling me to move on. Everyone I tried to talk about it he wasn’t interested told me to shut up.

He ended up going fishing for long weekends and leaving me on my own, we agreed to try for another baby but it didn’t happen, the relationship broke down and he started seeing someone else. I made the decision to leave and rebuild my life as a single person.

So for 3 years I stayed single and just concentrated on rebuilding myself as a person. Then at 25 I moved to a different city to be closer to my dad and started fresh, after a few months in this new city I met a new partner we ended up being together for 5 years, he already had a son who I adored and he wanted more children.

For someone who has lost 2 babies you are ready to be a mum and I think there is something in your heart that won’t be complete until you get your longer for baby.

Anyway after 4 years he told me he had decided he didn’t want more children and had the snip, so now I’m 29 no children and just been dumped from another long term year relationship. I have to say this relationship was controlling and I didn’t realise how lucky I was to be free from him until I left.

I was broken, a shatter shell of a person, what am I going to do now ??? I again rebuilt myself and my life and was single again.

Then along came my fiancé !!! My soul mate and what I hope is my happy ending ... we have been together for 2 years, we have bought a house and are very happily engaged, we have been trying for a baby since June last year, I have had a chemical but no BFP.

We are still trying and I’m in my TWW at the moment....

So this is me and my story ....... was hard to write but I feel better for getting it all out.

Thanks for reading

Claire x