Hey, y’all!

First time posting here, and this is gonna be long. So I apologize, but I need advice, words of support, understanding, something but I’m not exactly sure what.

Also going to add possible trigger warnings (brief mentions of rape, eating disorders, and suicide).

About 3 years ago, I was as small as I had ever been in my adult life at 230lbs. But to get there, I had restricted my eating so much my fingernails were actually transparent and my I lost over half of my hair. My doctor basically told me that she couldn’t diagnose me with an eating disorder because of my BMI, but that other than that I essentially had anorexia, and that I needed to change my habits. Long story short, I didn’t, at least not right away. What caused me to change my habits? I was raped, and I just sort of gave up on everything for a while.

Then, I went to the ob/gyn. She changed my birth control, and told me I have PCOS. side note: I don’t think it’s PCOS, and neither does my regular doctor. Moving on: the gyn changed my birth control, I went super bat shit emotional crazy, and gained over 2+ pounds a week. I started doing my really poor eating habits again, and my fingernails stopped growing and my hair started falling out (btw, my hair still isn’t as thick as it was before I started this whole thing 3 years ago). I got up to over 300lbs before I convinced her to remove my Mirena. It was to the point that she remove that bitch Mirena, or I was going to put a bullet through my brain.

After months of begging to have the Mirena removed, I finally got it out. I dropped a pants size IN A WEEK. I dropped a shirt size. I dropped a dress size. I dropped the weight so fast that my cheeks went hollow looking. I lost over 25 lbs in 6 weeks after coming off of Mirena. Last time I weighed myself, I was around 278lbs, and that was several weeks ago.

But, I still have awful body image issues after months of the gyn telling me to lose weight and then nothing working. After going to the nutritionist and she literally gave me a meal plan that was nearly identical to how I was eating. I need new pants, I have that weird crotch bunching thing going on where your pants are too big and you sit down, and tapping on the back, and they just won’t stay up anymore. But I can’t go shopping. I used to love shopping. But I hate it now. I feel like a stuffed sausage in everything I try on. I bawl in the dressing room because I feel like nothing fits and nothing looks good on me. I feel like I’m not losing weight fast enough, but logically I know I’m losing too fast.

I have to be careful going to the gym. I started going back to the gym, and I realized I crossed the line from healthy to unhealthy, that I’m flirting with danger and working out too much again. I feel my obsessive workout behavior coming back full force, and my obsessions looking up healthy recipes and fad diets on Pinterest. So, I am seeing a counselor for these feelings, not really sure if it’s working.

All I want to be is a size 12. That’s all I want. But, I want to be back to a small size 16 before the end of the summer. I want to fit back into my Lilly Pulitzer and my Frye riding boots. And I’m going to do it.

To lighten things up, adding a picture from the last time I felt sexy in an outfit to the comments. And then somebody said something to me, and it tore me down, and I cried and changed. But, I can still enjoy the picture.

Trying to get back to feeling sexy and confident again. You ladies give me hope and inspiration for that.