Help?!?

Back story, I have anxiety. When my grandpa died 6 years ago I had a really hard time with it. I got super anxious that everybody I loved would die. I cut everybody I loved off or pushed them away. Since then I’ve mostly repaired those relationships.

But now, my nanna (my late grandpas widow) got into a really bad car accident. She almost died (was on life support for several days). I feel so anxious about being left/loosing people right now.

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 who was also my best-friend for 5 years before dating... he isn’t seeing how big of a deal this is for me. But I just feel completely anxious and ready to cut people out of my life, so they can’t choose to leave me. Everything he does right now is bugging me. And it all feels like a reason to push him away.

The thing is I know I love him. I’ve loved him since I was 15. But I just can’t seem to bring myself to feel like I want him right now. I know I don’t want to loose him. That’s what I’m scared of... But I don’t feel like keeping on in this relationship rn.

I talked to him a little bit. But I feel like he doesn’t get how I’m feeling. I feel like if I try to talk to him more he will want to leave me. I feel that if I talk to him I might end up asking to breakup. I know I love him. But right now I just am not feeling the love. I feel like pushing him away.

Any advice or ideas on how to get over this? I just need help. I love him so much. But I just can’t right now.