I dont know what I am doing anymore

I am 35, about to be 36 and ttc#1. We have been trying for a very long time with no success. . We dont have the money for more treatments and such.. we are just trying it the old fashioned way.

I am still holding out hope that this is our month. I have had crazy symptoms that are different from AF symptoms...

Lightheaded and dizzy at times. Breasts are fuller and heavier, cramping way before I usually do and it is a different kind of cramping. Hungry to the point my head hurts then, after a few bites, I feel sick and have to stop.. ridiculous emotional outbursts (I cried for 15mins last night because my dinner tasted so good and I couldnt finish it). I have been exhausted and all I want to do is sleep, very thirsty, weird taste in my mouth, yet wanting salty things... with AF all I want it chocolate.

AF is due on Friday and I am scared.. I am scared I am making all these things up in my head and that I wont get my BFP.. after waiting for so long. I am actually having panic attacks just thinking about what will happen if I get AF.. or if I take a test and it is negative. All I want is a child of our own.. I would consider adoption but no one will give us a child with SO's record.

I am feeling really depressed and alone and I dont talk to my SO about it anymore because it is harder when I have to see the disappointment on his face when it doesnt happen... it breaks my heart even more.

So, I sit here in silence and put on a happy go lucky facade so he wont catch on.

I just dont understand... I would make an amazing mother.. he would make an amazing father.. why wont it happen. Why are we not even being given a chance and others are getting them.. multiple times over.

I work at a skilled nursing facility and it scares me to see the men and women who are widowed and never had children... they were dropped off by nieces and nephews or neighbors. . Then you have the few who are wards of the state.

I dont want that.. I cant. My therapist is trying to help me work through it... but I am just having troubles wrapping my head around the fact that I may not get,besides my amazingly supportive husband, the ONE THING that I have wanted and prepared myself for since I was 6 years old.

I know this is not true.. but, I have always been taught, and grown up with, women have babies. It is what they do.. real women are mothers. When I was little, not being able to have a baby NEVER crossed my mind.. it was how many and what gender... at this point in my life.. I dont even feel like a real person. I sit there and wonder ALL THE TIME, "What have I done so wrong in my life that motherhood is being held beyond my reach?"

Idk... if you stayed to the end, I am sorry that I am not a stronger person.. but Thank You for listening.