I don’t know what is worse ....

This is long and full of emotion so if you stop here I fully understand.

I am trying to figure out what is worse, trying every month and getting ur period or getting a beautiful second line only to start bleeding a week later?

My SO and I have been together for 3 years, we are both in our 30s and have our own children, we knew each other in high school and neither one of us would “talk” to the other because we were intimidated and scared ... fast foward to 3 years ago he finally reached out to me and we have literally been inseparable since that night. I love this man with all of my soul, he is my best friend my soulmate my heart... we decided last year while I was in my second surrogacy for my friend (who due to 3 cancer diagnosis can not have her own children) that we wanted an “ours” we started trying last December and fell right away, over the moon we were , then boom , as fast as it came, it went. I found out at 9dpo, a Friday. Went into the dr office Monday and took a test, it was hcg level 7. They said well it’s so early let’s retest in 3 days, I went that morning had my blood draw and went about my day, early in the evening I began spotting , and within an hour was pouring blood , the call the next morning was that my hcg was a 2 and pregnancy never took.

We cried hugged and he told me we just start again babe ... we tried each month, I had ultrasounds blood work u name it... dr let me try clomid in March, I ovulated April 3/4 we had sex on the 3rd... at 12dpo last Sunday I took a frer and to my surprise it was positive , I took one everyday, and it got darker , the digital said YES+ , went to the dr at 16dpo, the day after my missed period , they called Friday morning and said your level is 21... it’s positive ... he was so happy .... today mild cramping on one side, brown spotting most the day that has now turned to this (sorry so graphic) I’m sure I am now losing it ... 2 chemicals in a row .. why I’m so angry, sad, depressed ... my heart is shattered .... what is wrong with me ?