Most young girls dream about their dream wedding. From the dress to the flowers, everything is planned out perfectly. That’s the way I have always felt about having a baby. I romanticized being pregnant and even labor. I When I finally did get pregnant, it was all I ever dreamed of minus the uncomfortableness and a few unpleasantries. I watched videos on how to labor through the contractions and even wanted to try without an epidural. I had so many expectations.

I went to see my OB at 34 weeks with a severe headache and the next thing I knew I was whisked to the hospital and induced due to severe preeclampsia. It was the biggest shock of my life. I was on so many drugs I couldn’t possibly know what was going on. It was like someone had set my wedding dress on fire and I had to walk down the isle in my pajamas. I am so lucky and so blessed to have had a perfectly healthy preemie that only had to spend one day in the NICU, and only a few days in the nursery. But I wasn’t done being pregnant. I didn’t get to prepare or “say goodbye” and it’s still odd waking up everyday and remembering that I’m not pregnant.

I feel super guilty for being jipped of my labor experience when all that matters is my perfect baby but I can’t help shake this feeling.