For the past year I haven’t been able to breathe. It started last summer, I noticed that I was very conscious of how I was breathing and kept forgetting to breathe, I almost fainted 5-10 times that day. After a few days of having to manually breathe I suddenly couldn’t drink anything without choking on it. The constant choking went away after a few months (I was somehow trying to swallow using the wrong tube?) but my breathing has gotten so much worse.

Every thirty seconds or less I have to bend over and gasp for breath, but even that doesn’t fill up my lungs. Very frequently I’m lightheaded or dizzy because I can’t breathe, sometimes I turn a little blue at night. I can’t lay down anymore, I have to sleep sitting up which is absolute hell. I have an inhaler which actually helps but only for a few minutes - I would go through hundreds, maybe even thousands of packets of medicine a day if I used it every time I had trouble breathing.

I’m only sixteen and I have absolutely no doubts that this is something that will kill me. My mom is always screaming at me that I’m being overdramatic or that I just need to exercise and spent more time outside. I’ve tried exercise well before I ever told her about my issues and I cried so much, it felt like I had rocks in my lungs for the rest of the day and permanently made it harder for me to breathe. I hate going outside, it’s like trying to breathe in tomato soup.

After some research I probably have some kind of heart failure. Every horrible thing you can imagine runs in my family so I’m not even surprised. I’m just so fucking mad that my mom won’t take me seriously for one fucking moment. I’m just the stupid teenager who’s overreacting over everything and always lying because that’s what teenagers do, right mom? One day she’s going to walk into my room and I’m going to be dead. This thing will kill me and I won’t even be there to see her realize that she should’ve treated me better.

It’s not even about that though. I’m just angry and sad that I’m going to die so young and uncomfortable. I always wanted to die quickly and suddenly but I can’t even get my own death right.

No ones going to take care of my dog. He’s a wreak without me and I’m a wreak without him. I’m going to miss him so much.

I’ve never been good at ending things. Maybe that’s why I’m dying so slowly.

I have so much more to say but no ability to put it into words.

Big honking edit: Apparently it’s too hard to believe that some people have real issues so let me clarify.

Can’t go to the hospital, I have no money nor mode of transportation.

Public transportation isn’t a thing in the middle of the woods.

It’s not “required” for anyone to do anything in regards to my own health. Everyone breaks the law all the time, this is nothing new.

If this is how dying people get treated, I’m glad I’m dying so i don’t have to deal with people like you. Fuck all of you.