So I posted on the regular <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android">glow app</a> a few months ago about my son Salvatore. I had him back in September & he passed away from a congenital diaphragmatic hernia, his diaphragm did not fully form so all of his intestines, his stomach & his liver went into his chest and stopped his lungs from growing. His right lung never grew at all, it was at 0%, his left lung only grew to about 12%. I could get into how traumatic it was & how hard it is to grieve his loss but you can only imagine. So the doctors have no clue why it happened, this is a very rare defect and sals was not genetics so that means it was isolated, it just happened. I guess I’m so blessed it wasn’t genetics obviously but it’s hard going my whole entire life wondering why him? Why any of these babies?

Fast forward to now, seven months later. I’m pregnant again! I’m so nervous, scared, anxious, all of the above. I’m also ecstatic, so excited, especially because I’m having another baby and they are growing in the womb where Salvatore spent his life, he died 29 hours after birth so i often say to myself that was his home & where he spent his life. To think another baby is growing there makes me so happy. With that being said, i am PARANOID about everything , rightfully so? I mean who knows why he had cdh. Did i inhale something? Did i eat the wrong thing? What happened. The doctors said it was nothing in. The world that i could have done. You can research congenital diaphragmatic hernia and you’ll see there is no answer to why or how it happens.

So as of now, every little thing i do i feel like I’m going to cause harm to my baby. I’m 5 weeks & 1 day. Before i knew i was pregnant ( i found out around 4 weeks & a couple days ) around like 3 weeks, i got my hair done. Obviously didn’t know i was pregnant, so now I’m like great, i inhaled fumes & i had toner on my head.. my babies sick. I painted my nails this morning , outside & i used wet & wild which is a very safe nail polish, but I’m still like omg i smelled the nail polish my babies going to be sick. Every fucking thing i do i think my babies gonna be sick. I was helping my sister in law make a bouquet for her wedding, i studied floral in high school, so i cried last night that the smell of the flowers will make my baby sick. IM GOINT STIR CRAZY!!!!

I have a team of amazing doctors and I’ll be monitored closely starting at 8 weeks. Regardless I’m scared & i have every right to be but should i be this paranoid? No!! I can not be the only women in this world who got their hair done before they knew they were pregnant? I can’t be the only women who painted her nails at 5 weeks pregnant.

Can someone please just reassure me my baby will be okay. Has anyone ever gotten their hair done in the salon before they knew? Painted their nails at 5 weeks pregnant? Like I’m seriously not going to be able to do this if I’m this paranoid, i feel like i just wasn’t to sleep the next 9 months. I could never loose another baby, ever. I wouldn’t be able to live on.

Someone please just reassure me! I love this app, you guys get me. Although some haven’t lost a baby, it’s still nice to get feedback and hear someone say “ your okay, i did “

I miss Salvatore so much. My heart aches for him day in and day out.

I need to relax though, i need to keep my faith in god and just relax.

Here’s a picture of my sweet boy a few hours after he was born & then when he passed. Thanks for reading guys & congrats to All! ❤️