Today, I will love myself

Briana • SAP 06.30.16 CRP due 11.18.18

Long post

I’ve struggled my entire life with my weight. Never have I been obese, but that doesn’t really matter does it? In my own eyes I was the most disgusting person on the planet. I mastered the art of yo-yo dieting and the chew-and-spit your food fad. If it’s a diet/cleanse or unhealthy way of removing food/losing weight I’ve done it. I’ve struggled for 14 years with this. 14 long, miserable, depression and anxiety ridden years. I had my daughter 2 years ago and I dealt with some really bad PPD for over a year all centered around my weight and my new mom bod. I went on a lot of medication for my anxiety and depression. Fast forward to the current time and I’m almost 12 weeks with my second baby. I’ve stopped all medication and I’ve gone through hell for 12 weeks. I refused to leave the house, stopped going to work, stopped looking in mirrors and I stopped loving myself. In fact, I hated myself. I hated my changing body i hated the added fat the cravings the bad skin. I hated myself so deeply that I didn’t even want to be pregnant (and that’s something that’s not me, I love my kids and I love being a mom, it’s my world). What makes it so hard, is that I look so big already. I’ve gained almost 20 lbs in these 12 weeks, despite being on a low fat/low carb diet. Doctor says it’s normal and some women just gain weight early and fast. I can’t even explain how I came to realize I’m a goddamn GODDESS and I’m PREGNANT and I’m BEAUTIFUL and most of all I’m a MOM. I was crying reading posts on here about all these women so happy and so blessed to be carrying a baby and then I looked over at my daughter, my world, I realized I’m failing her. My hating myself I’m showing my daughter it’s ok to hate your body. I was showing her that imperfections make you ugly. That killed me. So today, I will love myself. I will actively try to love myself and my growing body every day, and I will teach my daughter that imperfections are beautiful.

Pic below of me at my lowest weight of 96 lbs

Then a pic of me at 11 weeks LOVING life (and myself, all 137 lbs of me)