I am completely lost and I need advice
This is the first time I post something on here, after reading so many other posts I felt like maybe I could use some help. So here goes, I’m going to try to make it as short as possible because the whole story is pretty long.
So I’ve been dating this guy on and off for the past 5 years almost (we dated for 8 months, broke up for 6, got back together for about a year, and then off for another year and then back together since last january 2017). He really is my soulmate, I believe there is someone for everyone and this guy is the one for me. We’ve talked about marriage and being together in future many times and the topic comes out quite frequently, but we both agreed that we want to take our time and not rush into things (I want to figure out my career first and establish myself before I think of marriage as I am only 22 and I feel like as a fresh graduate I still have some time left before starting to get pressured (socially).
Unfortunately we’re currently in a long distance relationship (have been for the past year) and I feel like it is so hard to keep up. And here’s why: I’ve done mistakes in the past that have hurt him tremendously and fortunately he was kind enough to forgive me and start a new blank page. I spent the last three months with him in the country he resides in currently. His family lives where I live so he visits whenever he can too. But the thing is in my gut feeling I really feel like he is not being able to forget as he has reminded me several times that he can’t help but overthink so much everytime I do anything here (away from him) because he claims that he still cannot trust me after everything (although I have really tried my best to overcome what I had done and honestly feel like I’ve done so much for him since). My problem now is that I feel like he does not care as much as I do as in he is not putting as much effort as I am into trying to make the relationship work. I an not doubting his feelings because I know he loves me and cares about me and definitely doesn’t want to hurt me. Last night he listened to what I had to say about all that, and we talked it through for like an hour if not more, but I still feel like my point did not get through, and that’s when he told me that he doesn’t trust me when I am away because of the past and he also manages to make good points on his side. But I’m truly tired of being not trusted and I feel like it’s being super hard especially because we’re not in the same country, I don’t know what to do anymore.
I am willing to move to the country he’s in for him but I feel like he would not be willing to do the same for me.
I think I also have to mention that he is 7 years older than me but that has never been a problem between us.
Whenever I try talking to him about these things I feel like he misunderstands me and directly relates everything to marriage (meaning that he thinks I’m trying to pressure him into that, whereas it really is the last thing I’m doing). I feel like I am no longer a priority in his life, and I know that my mistakes caused this behavior. But how long is that going to last?? Like right now I decided to be casual and not as giving as I used to be just to make a point because I really feel like I’m being taken for granted. It’s almost been a year since that “mistake” jesus!!! I haven’t been talking to him as much and to be honest he is asking about me everyday and calling but like I am not initiating any conversation by myself. I’m really stuck here cause I am so tempted to talk to him all the time but I really need to make my point. Any advice on what I should do/if what I’m doing is right or wrong??? I’m going crazy with my thoughts and I feel like I’m just not being rational anymore. i really could use an objective point of view cause i feel like the people around me already know so much to be able to be as objective as possible.
Don’t get me wrong, the guy is super sweet and he really treats me so well and when we’re actually together it’s like the best feeling in the world we basically never fight. But then when the time comes and we have to be away from each other (not knowing for how long) this is when all the misunderstandings start happening and all the arguing and whatnot. And it makes me soooo saaaaddddd!!!!!