Back Story

So me an my best friend. Him an I have literally grown up together in diapers. My older brother an his older sister dated. For a few months then broke up. Him an I were in the middle of it. Few years later. Him an I are both 17 now. I’ve been through so much crap, like I’ve been through physical an sexual assault an abuse. An just.. real hell to put it that way. Well? Now I’ve been relationship free for about a year an free from those guys. And my best friend he knows about this an had been there for me through it all. He knows everything about me. Him an I are so close. Well? Him an I make sexual jokes all the time. We’re teenagers well duh. It’s not at all a huge deal him an I laugh about it. Non of it serious I honestly initiate it all the time😂 He is so down to earth loyal to a fault he’s a gentleman chivalrous. He’s fun hilarious sweet goofy and wild! Adrenaline junky just like me. He has these gorgeous blue eyes which I will post below.

well him an I decided to make a dare! Which was fun an exciting! To make. So it was a dare that him an I can choose one thing to touch or do to one another. I came up with it and I thought It’d be funny. Like kiss or something? An sex was off limits. I am not a Virgin. He is. He’s only kissed one girl. Well anyways. He asked if he could touch my vagina which I laughed at an said sure, an I asked if I could kiss him. For some reason it all just seemed funny an silly, I’d joked that I’d “teach him” sexual things that way he’d be prepared for when ever he’s with a girl and so he’s not clueless. Well. Fast forward fast forward. Him an sneak off, find a place to do our dare. Okay so it was awkward at first him an I just stared at each other. So. I told him to turn off the lights because it makes it easier. Fast forward not the greatest kiss really don’t care I however got carried away. I started to slide my hands under his shirt an he took it off (.🙈he does track wrestling cross country football an works out like a machine cause he wants to be a marine. Just an FYI) so I giggle an then I take off mine. Then fast forward through some kissing and touching. It then? Got to a point where I asked him if he wanted to take off my bra (which mind you taking off clothes was not part of the deal) he obviously very nervously just looks at me. So I unclasp it an take off the straps but still hold it on. An tell him that this only comes off if he wants it to. After a bit he takes it off then we started grinding took off our bottoms An were just there. I’d definitely completed my part of the dare. An he’s been fingering me for a bit an so he’d completed his part of the dare. But it was like? Once he took my bra off it went from friends completing a dare to like really intimate an intense. An I asked him if he wanted me to lay down. An he said. “Only if your comfortable an feel safe” an I said yes. We laid down. He ended up giving me his virginity. He.. with out me even asking WENT DOWN!👌🏼 obviously he’d never done anything before but it was fun! An then after a bit I told him to stand up n I gave him oral an it was just so? Good. I mean I’d give head in the past but like? Wasn’t the hugest fan. But like? With him. I loved it. Well we had to rap it up cause people were texting asking where we were. So we got our clothes on an let, and I asked him what he thought he said it wasn’t what he expected. With a laugh. An okay let’s fast forward

Zip!!! Okay so I’d been texting him and he was kinda distant took a while to reply which isn’t normal. An we set up a time to talk, cause we needed to talk about what happened. An he like didn’t pick up and we set up another time he didn’t pick up. Well he ended up coming to my house to do some work around my house. An I pulled him away An was like we need to talk. An he said “I think it was a one time thing I want to keep our friendship in tact” I say yay totally. Our friendship that’s important, I wanna keep that. An then he just walked away. An my stupid ass caught feelings for him before we talked. An then my mind runs crazy like? What if that was a smash an dash? Can someone that’s a virgin have their first time and it be a smash an dash? How can he not be emotionally connected? It was his first time. Did he take advantage of the situation an end up having sex with me just because I know what I’m doing? Is there feelings for me? It wouldn’t have gone so far if he didn’t have feelings right? What if he really is trying to take care of our friendship?

I just. I need help. Thoughts opinions ideas!!! Please! Do you guys see it in a different view? I just love him as a friend an I have no idea how to proceed with our friendship because I want more. I want to be more for him. Do more.