He is always at work...

So recently he has been away a lot for work, as he says. He works as an engineer, works night shifts, sometimes stays so late he decides not to drive home but to sleep at a nearby hotel. His office is 40mi away. Sometimes, I don’t see him for days, nights. Weekends he chooses to be with friends or goes to work again. I understand the US imposes these crazy hours on people compared to Europe where I’m from but this is just too much. When he is with me he is nice and affectionate (even where there was no sex expected soon) but this totally threw me off. We are still living as roommates so two different rooms and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and getting out of bed to see if he got home and went to his room. I feel like a crazy person and I am someone who never touched a guy’s phone, never stalked anyone on fb. I just work based on trust. This is killing me mentally. I felt for 3 months I needed to take control of my life and end this. But I also love him and technically he is not an asshole in any way when we do spend time together. Until last weekend, I felt this insane amount of anxiety piling up that I slept nothing and woke up with actual body ache. I went outside and experienced what the doctor calls “a panic attack”. The next morning when I saw him he was again great with me and was telling me about his job but I just burst out crying and told him about anxiety and that I’m not someone who can stay home and wait for a guy. He now probably thinks i have real mental issues 🤷🏼‍♀️😥 I sounded like that. I ugly cried and everything I have been bottling up just exploded. I’m just losing it. It’s not what it’s supposed to be like. I hadn’t seen him in 5 days then and we live together. It’s not what i want. To make dinner and eat it alone and go to bed anxious if he’ll make it this night and where he is actually. I hate myself for not trusting him but I really don’t with all this. And if there is no trust, it’s better to end. So now I guess all that is left is to find an apartment and go... for my own sanity.