Me, my boyfriend and my issues with sex and porn

When I met my boyfriend 3 years ago, he asked if I wanted to watch porn with him. I used to be disgusted by the ideas because tbh the porn industry for the most part disgusts me. A bit into our relationship I stalked his Instagram and found that he’d been following a ton of porn stars and cam girls and suicide girls(don’t really know what those are, but ya). Then he got Snapchat again and he was following some of those same girls on there. I talked to him about it and it took a couple talks for him to delete all of them really just due to the fact that he doesn’t use those apps that much, which I understood even though it still bothered me. His main source of social media entertainment other than video games is reddit. I didn’t know anything about reddit and didn’t even know what it was before I met him. I was 18 and a freshman in college when we met and had just come home due to multiple sexual assault situations and also during all of that had sort of a “break up” with best friend since elementary school. I was in a really shitty and vulnerable place, but my biggest regret is not taking things slow with him. We started dating after like a month of knowing each other basically. I did friend-zone him at first, but it only took a couple weeks to let him see me naked, which also the day of our first kiss. After being raped 2 weeks into being at the university I’d gone to before coming home, it kind of sparked this sexual flame in me which I know can be very common with sexual assault, but it’s like I regret everything I did sort of. The first time I was assaulted, I was 6 and it really affected me. It made me have major trust issues and also very needy to those I knew I could trust, sort of filling this void and it’s like I was aware I was a burden or felt like one anyway, but I don’t know how else to be. When me and my best friend stopped being friends, it’s like I replaced her with my now boyfriend. I hate thinking about it that way, but I know how needy I am. I love him and he has been incredibly supportive, but he’s not easy to talk to about emotional things and we both work a lot, so when we do get to see each other I don’t want it to be about shitty stuff like this. I do have a therapist, but our sessions our short and I feel like there’s always something else we need to be talking about and we’ll like Get to this stuff and then it just gets pushed aside. Seeing a pattern..? One of my biggest issues with myself is being my own worst enemy and trying to take the easy way out of things or avoiding uncomfortable situations because I want everyone to be happy and everything to be perfect and positive. So, back to the porn issue.. Not far into our relationship, he’d be on reddit next to me (he’s on reddit any minute of the day that he can look at his phone basically, like it’s getting ridiculous tbh) and he would see a funny porn post or something and show it to me. The thing I should’ve done in those situations was explain to him how disrespectful it was and how uncomfortable it made me, but my stupid passive ass would just roll my eyes and make him scroll past it and then he’d just laugh, so that’s why it’s taken so long for me to get the message across. It’s been 3 years and I’m still holding on to this resentment because for about a year now I’ve realized the stuff that’s on reddit is far worse than what he had on instagram, except the only difference is he’s not following them anymore because also about a year ago when I was drunk I unsubscribed from all of the porn Reddit’s he had and then told him while I was crying right after I did it. Now he doesn’t trust me with his phone and I don’t even know his password anymore. I understand where he’s coming from, but it hurts. Now my issue is just the fact that gross people post this stuff on reddit for anyone to see. He’ll send me cute videos or whatever and sometimes I’ll go on there to see what he can see. I’ve learned that the “all” category has more nudes and porn than “popular”. What makes me so mad is the types of posts I see. It’s a lot of girls posting pictures of their vaginas with some caption of like “good morning” or some shit like that. Like what if I put a picture of my vagina on there for the whole reddit world to see? It just bothers me that people view women as objects and that women make themselves objects. I know it’s a touchy subject, but it just bothers me because like when I see that stuff it makes me feel shitty and sad. I did talk to my boyfriend about this briefly and I was just telling him that I watched this documentary about these ladies trying to make feminist porn and it was cool, but sad because they were talking about the fact that they’ll never be as successful as men in the industry, basically. They talked about how many people got a majority of their sex ed from porn as apposed to in school. My moms a health teacher so I learned from her, but also the difference between me and a lot of other people is that I learned about it from her talking to me after being molested and then again after walking in on her and my dad. My parents both have a past of sexual assault, so basically everyone in my immediate family, but my older brother has been raped or molested. Sex is very emotional for me, so to be with someone who learned about sex mostly from porn and the fact that I can tell just due to how we have sex really bothers me. And it’s not that I don’t love having sex with him, it’s just I find myself asking myself lately, like can he change some things and become more emotional and intimate. The other night, he was touching me in bed in the dark and when I went to touch him he wasn’t hard and it kind of hurt my feelings and then he said he’s a visual person and I just don’t really get that, but kinda do because of the fact that he learned about sex from watching stuff on a screen and has only had one other sexual partner other than me, where as I learned from all of my different sexual partners. Also, the other day he decided he wanted to try anal, but first just wanted to put his finger in only and everything was consensual, but I was so uncomfortable to the point that I wanted to cry and then told him I didn’t want to and that I’d had a nonconsensual experience with anal. I didn’t bring up the fact that I have also had consensual anal sex, but that’s because even though it was consensual, I still hated it and back then, I just kind did stuff to please the guy. I’ve only done anal with two guys. One was the first guy I had consensual sexual with and he was basically the one who taught me everything about sex and was almost all of my firsts and I was some of his, but I was in love with him and he just wanted sex. The other was someone I considered a friend and then he revealed that he liked me and kept talking shit on the guy that I actually liked because I was crying about him and he was way bigger than me and kinda felt bad for him about some stuff he’d been going through so I just let him do what he wanted. I never considered it rape because I did consent, but I wasn’t sober and I still am disgusted with myself and him for that entire situation and ever since then, I’ve been repulsed by anal sex even more than I already was. So due to all of this shit, I’m really fucked up and judging my boyfriend for things that I understand are natural to many, but I just don’t get how one can only get off to what they can see, but not what they touch or feel. Like I’m the opposite. I get off way easier to what I can feel than to what I can see. He loves eye contact and I do too, but he also loves looking at my body and although I love that he loves my body, and I also love my body and I love his body, I love our bodies because I Love is, not because of the way we look. I like to be caressed and kissed, where as he loves to look and fondle lol. I really like to rub against him with my arms or legs or entire body and he’ll just get annoyed and ask what I’m doing because it does nothing for him, but it’s just really soothing and pleasing to me. But like that’s not what they do in porn. When people think of porn they don’t think of passion and romance and cuddling and caressing. When people think of porn, they think a huge penis being rammed into a girl who’s screaming “oh yes” and being essentially degraded and dominated or people being persuaded into a sexual encounter by someone of a lower rank or something. Porn is all about control instead being a cohesive unit, in love and I absolutely hate that. He says he’s never been into degrading stuff, but like what’s degrading to him and what’s degrading to me might be different idk. So I’m so sorry for the longest post ever, but I just really needs some guidance. I’d love some feedback from anyone who can relate or understand both sides. Not looking to start bashing on those who watch porn and am not looking to be shamed for the fact that I’ve acted immaturely about this situation in the past. I’m just looking for some guidance or solutions if anyone has any. Totally understand if you didn’t read the whole thing, but I just felt like it’d all make more sense if I gave some insight into my past and how it’s linked to my issues in the present.