Advice

How do I let go of past things that happened with my parents and past relationships.. ect? I have been with my SO for 6 years. I love him more than anything, but I am so messed up in the head. I trust no men. Growing up I watched .y dad cheat on my mother all the time. I would hide behind the couch and watch them fight. I have had it in my head that men only like girls that look a certain way. which has led to me having an eating disorder. Started at 12 years old to 25 when I got pregnant and decided my child was more important than me worrying about being skinny and dying. (I have type 1 diabetes and I was out of control and was in and out of the hospital.) After my son was born and I gained so much weight. I now always think my SO is going to find something better and that I am not good enough for him. There is not a second in the day that I don't think of the word fat.... I am sick of thinking so negatively. I want so much to lose weight, but I am so scared of going back to being obsessed with the scale, not taking my insulin and watching the weight fall off so fast. I have no one to talk to. My insurance only allows me to see a therapist once a month. I'm just over being sad and depressed. My anxiety is so bad. I want to be happy and feel good enough. I wish I could just forget about the past. How do I let it go?