Should I be happy or disappointed

Okay so I’m posting this anonymously for no specific reason but I wanted to address something. So I’m fifteen years old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for three and a half months.

I have expressed to him in the past that anything sexual that we do has to be mutual. I am not ready for as much as he is so we came to the agreement that he would ask first before moving forward sexually. This was okay with him. He respects my wishes and everything so that’s great. Another one of my agreements with him is that he doesn’t go blabbering to all his friends about stuff that we do privately. He seems to follow this rule so that makes me happy.

So the other night I went over his house and we were cuddling on the couch. Once and a while we “feel each other up” and it’s mutual. But it’s always been on top of our clothes. However, while we were making out, he guided my hand to his dick (like we usually do but once again with pants on) and this time he kinda moved down his pants a little. This obviously meant he wanted me to touch him underneath his pants. I didn’t really have a problem with it so I gave him a hand job.

Later I went home and I got a text from him. He said thanks for the “massage” and that he wanted to do something for me. I liked that he wasn’t being selfish but I still said I wasn’t ready to do any skin to skin contact on my end. He completed respected this but asked why I feel that way. I thought about it and it really came down to this....

I really want him to finger me but I don’t at the same time. Of course I get horny once in a while. I’m a normal teenager. So I obviously think about how I want to move forward sexually with him. But then I realize that even though I want to, I shouldn’t.

This is because of two reasons. The first is that I’m a little insecure. This might be TMI but I get wet very easily when I’m turned on. And it’s a generous amount. Even if it’s normal, I feel kinda embarrassed about it.

The second reason is I don’t want everyone to know. Somehow, there is no such thing as a secret in my high school. Everyone knows everything. And I know he promised he’d keep our private life private I still feel hesitant to let myself go. He hasn’t given me a reason not to trust him and I feel comfortable with him yet I am still holding back. I don’t know how to get past this. Maybe you could give me some advice