Depression and anxiety

I have been dealing with so much anxiety and depression lately. I always feel as though I shouldn’t be here, that there is no point, I am not and will never get anywhere in life so it will be just years and years of hating my life and wanting to die. I haven’t been to school in 3 weeks and have missed over 2 months this year as I refuse to go because it is too stressful for me. I am seeing a physiologist this week and I’m stressing about that too. I don’t know how to explain anything that is happening to me or what is happening in my head. I have lost so many friends at school and I feel like if I go back I will just be alone. No one understands or believes me when I tell them what I’m going though. They see me at school all smiling and laughing. But that’s because I am not one of those people that goes around telling everyone “oh I have depression” “my life sucks” “I want to die” “I cut myself” “I have anxiety”

I just sit at school and pretend that I’m fine, that I’m a happy, confident person that enjoys life and the people around them. When really I sit there thinking about how scared I am to be there, that I feel like I’m alone in a dark cave, that I am literally having an anxiety attack at every moment. I honestly do want to die, I don’t want to kill myself. Death is one of my biggest fears. It’s sucks wanting to die but being afraid of it. I just feel like it will never get better, that I will never feel happy again.