****possible trigger my abuse story****

I have never had a problem talking about the abuse that I have endured long as it was the verbal, emotional, mental, or physical abuse. but when it comes to openly talking about the sexual abuse that I endured I can't help but feel ashamed, dirty, and gross that, that shit happen to me. I replay all of the abuse I've endure in my mind everyday for almost 14 years and the hardest ones to replay are the sexual abuse moments I was so young that I couldn't have known that was not something a person shouldn't do to another person, I didn't know that's not something that an adult shouldn't do to a child, I didn't know that wasnt something that a parent shouldn't do to a child, and I didn't know that's not something that an adopted parent shouldn't do to a child. a part of me feels like I let it happen that I should have known that something wasn't right but at 7 and 8 years old you cant know. I remember my adopted mother forced me to undress myself and sit on her couch she told me to open my legs fearing that she would beat me I opened my legs and she began to reach her hand down to my vagina and she inserted one of her fingers and I have no clue what she's doing or how to feel about it and she tells me as she's pulling her finger out oh something was stuck I was just trying to get it out as her excuse. It became common for her to tell me and my adopted brother undress ourselves in front of her and lay on top of her naked as she thrusted her body up and down she would also make us touch her inappropriately she would say oh you're rubbing my belly and it really wasn't her belly it was her vagina that she had me and my brother touch. What's sickening is that these are my adopted parents the state took me from my parents and put me into a home of monsters. I'm tired of being afraid and ashamed of what has happened to me, I'm tired of protecting these people, I'm tired of pretending everything's okay, I'm tired of lying to myself that I've gotten over this, and I'm tired of being tired.