After watching 13 Reasons Why... (spoilers)

Disclaimer: I do not believe that shows like this can drive someone to suicide, at least not someone who is mostly mentally sound. Shows are fiction, and I don’t believe they should be censored. This is just my experience with the show.

I love 13 Reasons why. I think it’s a greatly written mystery, that brings some of today’s biggest issues to the forefront of people’s conversations.

But, I deeply wish that episodes that are particularly graphic have a more in depth warning at the beginning. And I know, people don’t want to get spoilers, but I wish so badly that I had a spoiler. I could have skipped that shit. You all probably know what scene I mean if you’ve seen season 2.

First, there was Hannah’s rape clip. Obviously that one affected me pretty badly. It was almost exactly how my own rapes went down for more than a year. I laid there motionless and crying. I hated it. I cried and was upset for the majority of the day after seeing that episode, but I got past it and continued watching the show. I was excited for season 2. Well, I saw season 2 a few days ago, and I’ve been having nightmares ever since.

If you really care about spoilers for that season, then I guess stop reading here.

Tyler’s rape fucked me up. It was the fact that it was horribly graphic and they basically showed the whole thing. My heart dropped to the floor and proceeded to fall to the core of the earth. In my heart I knew it was a show and it wasn’t real, but by the end of the scene I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I had a panic attack that lasted over an hour. And no, I’m not squeamish. I like violent movies, some of my favourite movies ever are Saw and Upgrade. I saw the season more than a week ago I believe, and every night since them I keep having nightmares about my own rape, except this time I’m screaming like Tyler did. I want to watch season 3 so badly, I really do. I love shows that write an interesting story and manage to keep my attention all the way through. But I honestly don’t think I can until someone gives me a play-by-play of the worst scenes so I know what I can skip. And for those who love the show, I love it also and I’m not writing this to start any shit with anyone. I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere, I’m just so heartbroken and tired of waking up screaming. I guess, for now, I have zero plans to watch the third season.