I'm very tired

I'm really sick of being behind or worse than all my family. I'm awkward, a slow learner, and still need help to survive from both my dad and wife. While my 5 sisters are all successful, prettier, and smart.

They all have some form of medical degree and one retired in her 20s because she married a rich guy. I was a unplanned pregnancy 10 years after the last of them was born. You would think that being that young would give me some slack. well, it does, but not when you're 26 and dependant on your father and also the only one who's gay, disabled, or had to take spacial ed courses. I have gotten to wear I hate my eldest niece because she has the perfect life, and we were raised together for YEARS since she's 3 years younger than me. She was in AP classes, always learning, always helping when she didn't want to. Meanwhile I just wanted to be a kid and get away from my mother while on visitation. She was living with her grandmother, my step moth

er, so I only saw her then. Everyone prasied her, she could never do wrong. My step mother was convinced I was the antichirst and constantly told my nieces not to trust me or play with me where she couldn't see us. She conviced everyone I killed her pet bird by stabbing it in the night...the bird died because she stuck two male parakeets from different clutches in a small cage and one ate the other one. In reality I was constantly getting in trouble at my moms place for bringing home strays which I still do. I wanted to be a Vet after all... My dad who is a sweet man but dense blistered my ass and made me bury the damn bird in front of him. I was also never allowed to have friends over as a kid after that as punishment. So I had no visitors over again until I was 20, even after it took family counseling at 13yo to determine she was lieing because she hated me or was stupid to how birds work. My niece lives in Georgia now and has the fairy tale life every woman wants and is a pharmacist.

I'm struggling to pass board exams for RT school this month after 6 years of flaking out on other degrees I wasn't smart enough to do. I won't like my job but I can't depend on everyone forever, much less have I ever wanted to. Plus my dad is in his 70s and it's not like any of my sisters will take care of him. At least I could buy a two bedroom and take care of him somewhere else. If I don't pass my classes at the end of summer idk what I'll do. I'm so sick of being looked down on by everyone and being awkward. I didnt want any of this and I'm sick of being strong.

That strong comes out as a bad attitude, did I mention bipolarism runs in my moms side and I probably have it? So besides being dependant, sickly, slow and the ugliest of everyone, my fits of rage and depression are probably spured on by genetics. Who knows tho? I've never been able to afford health care so I dont take any medicine. I'm lucky for all I have. I'm gambling everything on this degree to survive and get my life started late. It's all hard tho and I'm surprised to get this far. I'm afraid of what happens if I fail. I'm so sick of fucking trying and fail

ing and the embarrassment and the looks I get. I'm always sorry. I always want to hide. I just wanted to move off and have a family that didn't hate me and make people laugh. instead I've been aging and watching everyone around me succeed while I struggle to do simple tasks. I'm so tired of all this. I just want it to stop.