I'm in this terrible non relationship.

I know it's bad and I know I should leave, but it's complicated. we've been together on and off for about 6 years. we've always had a pretty relaxed noncommittal relationship, and after he fell in love with someone else briefly in the 2nd year, we've been pretty strictly friends with benefits (though I've sometimes delusionally believed otherwise). We've tried (and failed) to make it work for a long time. Don't judge.. 🙄 if I didn't have commitment issues myself, I doubt I would have let it go on this long... I'm aware that I have some pretty big issues, especially self esteem issues, and I know that keeping him around is probably not helping.

He's a great friend and bro, so he's a pretty hard habit to kick. (I've probably got some addictive/self depreciating habits about that too).

But you know what they say about the cow giving away the milk for free... I'm older now, I guess I've become wiser, and I just don't want to be this kind of person anymore.

I'm not interested in hurting him or enacting any revenge, or anything malicious. we've just been young and dumb for too long, and I just don't want to do it any more.

How do I end this for real, how do I walk away from this once and for all? (I've already fallen back into it many times before).

We're currently living as roommates abroad on a work contract. I'll probably renew, he probably won't. Which will kinda solve things when that time comes... but in the meantime? and what if he does renew? I've already had a frank conversation with him that I want to have our own apartments next year, and he agrees, but, of course, also cites cost savings if we continue to be roommates.

The guy has no ill intentions, he's just a fallible regular human being with all the same wants and tendencies for familiarity and comfort. We share equal blame for still being here in this messed up situation together.