We weren't trying to get pregnant. I was being cautious. I was bleeding alittle and vomiting so much I thought it was my new medication. Went to ER, and low and behold found out the news. It was a shock at first, I was scared, but soon excitement and happiness took over. Was released, I got into baby overdrive. Prenatal pills, much more healthier foods and meals at home. I didn't smoke or drink but I increased my water intake. I signed up for Glow <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.nurture">Pregnancy App</a>, my baby was the size of a blueberry, and estimated delivery date December 17th. My boyfriend and I were so excited, I stated calling our baby "my little blueberry, little blue" cute names like that.
A week later I started bleeding a lot and having a lot of cramping. I asked my friend to take me to the ER. It was absolutely awful, I was rushed to the OB triage. They performed an ultrasound but could not find a heart beat. I was scared, I was in so much pain, and I was alone, I called my boyfriend and he was on his way. The medical staff, left me in the room for over an hour, without anything for pain, not even a box of tissues to soak up my tears. I thought I was going to die on that bed.
My boyfriend shows up, and seeing the turmoil I'm going through goes up to the nursing station and demands someone come helps me. The pain medication shot is too little too late unfortunately. I'm given a choice, I can go home and try to naturally pass the contents myself. Or I can have a D&E. I really thought on just going home, to get away from this place. In the end I opted for surgery, I was already in too much pain, and I couldn't handle another full day or night of this.
The problem is, I don't how to feel about losing this baby. Yes I'm sad, but I found out so suddenly I was pregnant, and then only a week later lose the child. I find myself watching more funny baby videos on Facebook and YouTube. I have experienced more feelings of depression, anxiety, stress, and my sudden outbursts of uncontrollable behavior scare me. A part of me feels like I need to honor the child that lived within me, but another part feels like I should just burry it in the back of my brain where I keep everything that I don't want to think about.