I am so disappointed!!!

We have been trying to conceive for 4 months now and every month I get 'the visit' a little part of my heart crumbles off.

I know there are others that have been trying for longer, and I take my hat off to them. How do they manage to stay sane. I always start to loose my mind at the beginning of the 2WW and by the time my period comes around all my hope that has been screaming "this is it" throughout the month ends in a bloody slaughter of "not this month".

July was the month I was sure. I managed to have sex every other day as advised. I made sure that I ate well. I didn't drink. I don't smoke and continued to take my prenatals which I started 4 months ago. Everything was going well. I had all the "early pregnancy symptoms" that I normally do not experience when I am expecting my period. My period usually visits at night, so the night it was due I hoped and prayed that it would not pay me a visit.

When I woke up in the morning I quickly checked my knickers and there was no blood. I tried not to get too excited, it's only day 1. By the end of the following day(2) there was still no period. I decided then and there that on day 3 I would take a pregnancy test. With first morning wee I did as instructed on the pregnancy packet ( Superdrug own brand) and waited 5 mins. When I decided to look I got a sharp slap of reality disguised as a "no you are not pregnant" single line. My heart broke into a 1000 pieces. I cried like the world was ending. I did it quietly so my boyfriend did not hear. He gets upset if he thinks it is getting me down. By the time Day 4 rolled around my period arrived and brought with it it's close cousin painful Cramps.

Today I am bleeding heavily through day 1. I am trying to remain positive but instead find myself crying a lot and wondering what if it never happens. Having miscarried 6 months earlier I fear the loss of a baby. No one tells you how it feels. I guess if they did, would it make less painful? I don't think so. Five of my friends are having babies this year alone and I was one of them until I lost it. I was number 6. I long to hear not only that I am pregnant but that I made it through the 9 months. If anyone has started their period today then let's be cycle buddies, it would be great to have someone who understands the ups and downs, because as sweet as my boyfriend is, he does not understand the emotions that come with TTC.

Thank you for reading ladies. I needed to vent and cry 😢 just so I can shake it off and try my best to look forward to trying again. xxx