Does it get better?

Not so sure what I’m feeling here...

Anxiety, depression, both? Or am I feeling normal stress.

5 weeks postpartum and I love my babygirl. She’s beautiful and a good baby. I couldn’t have pictured anything better.

BUT , I am not feeling like my normal self. The first two weeks were hell. I hadn’t slept in those two weeks whatsoever. Maybe a couple minutes here and there. I was extremely engorged and I wanted to rip my breast off my chest.

I had never expected breastfeeding to be so damn hard. I did not expect to be so sleep deprived. Because I am exclusively breastfeeding, hubby does not get up at night unless I ask him to do something for me. Which honestly, I despised. I would sit there next to my hubby with our daughter in literal agonizing pain while nursing and I would literally glare at my husband with jealousy and anger.

I would visit consultants and each one would advise me something different. Until I met one person who actually helped me. But I am continuously in pain and feeling engorged. Constantly arguing with hubby, stressed out with other matters, insecure of my self image. And honestly, I do sometimes get frustrated with baby.

Then I beat myself up because how in the world can I be angry with a baby who doesn’t know anything. A little innocent life. Then I also worry about if my baby is breathing, like wtf, why am I so damn paranoid?

Feels like no one understands.