A tale of two brothers

Four years ago I met this guy in my church he seemed really nice. We were introduced by a mutual friend who said “he’s single, you’re single. Maybe we can stray something. “ and it was just so embarrassing because he was really cute and I wasn’t. That same week I saw a guy also in my church who looked like a younger version of the other guy I met. He seemed nice so I invited him to our youth group which was later the same day we met he said he would go but he never did. Fast forward two months and the guy I invited to youth group starts showing up and the other guy turns out is a musician and we’re kind of forced to start a little chorus for the sake of live music in our youth group. I was a little shy around him as we started spending a lot of time together. I had feelings growing but I was too shy to say anything. I was 17 and he was 23. But it’s the other guy who actually looked for my attention. And he began talking to me. Found out they were brothers and this one was my age. After months of getting to know each other he told me he liked me and asked me to be his girlfriend but for three months I asked him to wait as I felt it was too soon. And he did and when the time was right I said yes. Let’s say his name is Sam. My boyfriend Sam and his older brother victor. Victor becomes my absolute best friend in the world. And Sam a great boyfriend. We love each other very much and we had sex and I though it would make us grow closer. But instead I felt it made sam fall in love with my boys and with sex and not me. We had been together for two years when things started changing for us. He didn’t come to see me as often anymore. Where we used to spend days and days on end together I was lucky if he stopped by at least once a week. Then he stopped answering my texts. He would forget to answer me or call me. He started working a lot more hours. When we did see each other he wanted sex. And I felt like I was being abandoned i didn’t feel loved anymore. I felt like he didn’t want me anymore. And so it went on for months and I tried to stick it out and tell myself it was probably just me overreacting. And I would go to victor for advice. He was always my faithful loyal friend. And maybe from all that advice and his patience I began to develop feelings (that were always there but always repressed because that’s my boyfriend brother) and I start spending more time with him instead and warn my boyfriend he is losing me. It all came down on one day as Sam came to visit me and he went straight for the sex and I said no and he got so angry and told me it was over and walked away. It wasn’t the first time we broke up but it was the first time I felt like it was final. And so I cried for days. And always victor was there to help me through it and I guess that was how we fell in love. Bonding. We knew we couldn’t see each other his family would be furious and Everton would talk. But we want to be together so we see each other in secret but three months later sam comes looking for me and literally begs me on his knees to take him back. Tells me he loves me and misses me and he’s sorry he let me go and he’s ready to change. And I try hard to ignore him and tell him its too late. But he Insists and looks for me and all the while victor is watching and he knows and I’m breaking victors heart and also sams because they’re both in love with me and honestly I’m so sick of it I don’t want to be with either of them but victor is so sweet I can’t tell him I don’t want to be with Him anymore. It’s so hard. I’m confused if I’m really over sam or not. Not here for criticism or advice just for listening ear because also as it turns out my best friend (we’ll name her Elly) is also in love with me and is jealous of victor and Sam and refuses to talk to me and so I feel so alone.