It’s hard.

CAUTION!! There are some pictures of my premature daughter, it’s taken a lot to post pictures of her so please don’t say she looks weird because in my eyes she’s beautiful. If you don’t want to see these pictures please move on. ( pictures are black in white to help with the coloring of her since she was under developed)

Every second of everyday I feel like my life is incomplete. Like I should have something that I don’t have. Even my body tells me. My boobs so engorged because I can’t breastfeed, all the stretch marks and the huge stomach,which used to be a baby but no baby in my hands.

At 21 weeks I went in for my anatomy scan and came out with the worse news any mother fears. There was no heart beat. And exactly one week later I gave birth to my baby girl Everlee. I didn’t even have a chance to wrap my head around the fact that she wasn’t there anymore and I had to give birth !?!?

It’s been two months later and for some reason still reach down to touch my belly. Still have a weary feeling about touching the cat litter and don’t even get started on the baby crib sitting in the next room. When does it get better ? When can I go back to work and help provide for my family? When will I be able to make it two hours without a break down?

When will I be able to look at myself again and not think about how I couldn’t keep her alive 😞

I JUST MISS HER SO FREAKING MUCH IT HURTS !!