What do I do? (Long post)

I’m sorry if this is all jumbled up and confusing, but I feel like I need to get this off of my chest and I’m in need of some unbiased advice. 😭

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, we started dating when I was 14-15. At that time in my life I was depressed and anorexic and he was one of my only friends.

When we first started dating I got some texts from girls claiming he was cheating on me and I just brushed it off as them being jealous ex’s. I had the biggest crush on him since I was 10 and I wanted things to work so bad.

Now that I’m older I have come to realize a lot of things. I’ve changed myself for him, I’ve changed my views on things, the way I act, the way I dress, what I say, etc.

He was in the National Guard the first few years of our relationship and has made a few statements I know for a fact to be false, but he still states are true. If he can continuously lie about that for four years, what else can he lie about? He was a part of a Facebook group of his army friends and one of them had gotten my picture from my Facebook and they were all bashing me- from calling me ugly to saying I was a slut to even saying it looked like my parents were related. (I was 16 at this time, getting made fun of by grown ass men) All my bf did in the comments was laugh and even agree to some of them. When I brought this to his attention he said he should have told me and said sorry and kind of brushed it off as nothing. I let it slide because he loved me and didn’t mean it, right?

I live with him currently, and we live with his parents. Neither of us have a car and i don’t have a license and normally my mom takes me to work (we work together and I’m on her way to work anyway.) but occasionally I wake up late and he’ll have to take me to work using his mother’s car. He gets mad at me and will make remarks (you owe me for having to take you, well since I *had* to take you to work, etc) basically to make me feel bad I guess. Maybe he doesn’t mean to make me feel bad but idk. A couple times he’s made me cry by doing this and then will say something like “well it’s not your fault you don’t have a license, I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

If I spend money on myself he gets upset with me, if I want to dye my hair he gets upset, if I want to get a piercing he gets upset and threatens me with kicking me out. And I never do the things I want for fear of him being mad at me.

I work 43+ hours a week while he worked 15+ (his company recently shut down leaving him without a job, not that he really had one to begin with... 🙄) So If we need anything it pretty much falls on me to pay for because he wastes all his money on useless things- which is why he doesn’t have a car. I have made a couple of his college payments for him when he couldn’t afford to and almost every dollar I’ve made has either gone to him, food, or our dog.

Is it wrong for me to be upset that he gets pissed off about having to take me to work occasionally when I’ve done so much for him?

When I get home from work I’m usually pretty tired (I stand/walk all day and go up and down four flights of stairs multiple times a day) and I sleep a lot. He gets mad about me sleeping so much and will go on about how I shouldn’t be tired. He’ll try and wake me up but I just go back to sleep. A few nights ago he said he was going to push me off the couch if I wouldn’t get up. Tbh a part of me wanted him to push me off the couch so I could justify breaking up with him to myself... 😞

TMI but we haven’t had sex in months either, before then it was like once a month if that. Idk, is that normal? If I try to start something he doesn’t want to... is there something wrong with me?

Idk where I’m going with this anymore, it’s kinda just turned into me bitching about him and feeling bad about doing so. I don’t want to break up with him- I love him, but at the same time is this really someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? I’m only 19. What should I do...? 😭😭😭😭