Slowly learning to love myself again

Today’s been a rough day. Today revolved around trying clothes on that don’t fit, looking in mirrors and feeling disgusted, and wondering how my husband still loves me & says I’m beautiful when I feel so different.

Being apart of moms groups on social media is tough. For instance, either women are showing off their two week old postpartum nonexistent belly or talking about breastfeeding. I feel like a failure. I wasn’t able to bring my production up. Going without sleep, baby screaming, me screaming, tears flying... I gave up. I feel like a failure of a Mom for giving up breast feeding. I feel like if I pushed it harder, if I was not so delirious with out sleep, if I drank more water, ate more oatmeal, pumped more than every 1-2 hours, sat in baby’s

room to just massage my breasts and try and try again feeding him. Why didn’t I do that? Why didn’t I try harder?

Anxiety. How come my anxiety is so bad that I couldn’t push through it to have a natural vaginal birth? How come I was so selfish that I couldn’t even do it for my son. How come I couldn’t do it to give my husband that “birth experience” of cutting the cord. When instead he had to hold my hand until we heard him cry and didn’t get to see baby right away. Why is my anxiety so bad that I’m always on the verge of a panic attack. I’m always on the verge of losing it. I can’t even talk straight most of the time because my brain wants to push everything out but my mouth only moves so fast. Why can’t I live normally? Why can’t I wake up without worrying or overthinking just one thing?

How come I wasn’t blessed with a beautiful body after pregnancy? How come I wasn’t blessed with a beautiful flow of production to feed my baby boy the natural way? Why do I have such bad anxiety that every day is becoming more and more of a struggle? No matter how much my husband tells me he loves my body, that he loves Me, how come I still think I’m not beautiful?

Being a new mommy is hard. I didn’t post this to get compliments. I posted this because I felt like I needed too. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with life after pregnancy yet it feels like I’m the only one.

I do know that God has blessed me. I do know for a fact I was blessed with a beautiful baby. I was blessed with a body that could protect, grow, & home my baby. I’m blessed with the aftermath of my baby’s first home. I’m blessed being a mommy and having someone that will always need me. I’m blessed with this new phase in life that God has blessed my husband I. I’m excited to see the life my body produced grow and learn.

I’m excited to slowly learn to love my self again.