Am I wrong?

Question

My SO said something to me today that I totally could not agree with. We’ve been together a long time, but just recently within the last couple years have started keeping his 2 children over the summer and weekends, and I don’t really have a huge bond with them; I’ve never been comfortable acting as a parent when I don’t agree with a lot of things he lets them do.
I’m very vocal about this when it comes to our new child - I’m six months pregnant with my first baby and of course my connection with my own baby is going to be different.
So, he tells me “don’t play favorites.” Though in theory, I can see where he is coming from, I just don’t see how that is going to be possible. To have this baby growing inside me, feeling her everyday and craving to meet her, giving birth and raising her; seeing myself in her. How can I not treat my baby differently?
Is it wrong? To pay more attention to my own child and her behaviors than of his? To spend more energy molding my child? 😓 
Makes me feel like a terrible person when I write it down, but it’s truly how I feel. Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.
***Update: Thanks for the comments and advice, it really gave me something to think about. His children are already 9 and 10 years old, so there will be quite an age gap, and they should understand the baby’s needs are gonna be a lot more. Really I just make sure his children are fed - that’s the role I have now. That’s a task in its own, because, as a lot of kids are, they don’t eat a lot of things. I’m not used to kids having so much say in things like that; not eating their vegetables (in my household you did not leave the table until you did), refusing the swimming lessons they were signed up for (when I feel like swimming is an important skill to learn, especially at their age, and even if they don’t WANT to go, they should go anyway). So it’s not like I don’t want to treat them like my own, it’s just a hard adjustment because they are not mine and I can’t expect to raise them the way I would want when they have a mother (that I, nor their father want to create problems with). Definitely an adjustment but I will talk with my SO so he can understand my dilemma, and maybe he will see my POV and offer solutions.

Answer

I have three kids from my first marriage.  My fiancé and I just had a baby together (his first). My older three are in elementary school, so their needs arent as high as the baby, but my fiancé still treats them as he does his own.  I really appreciate it as all my kids are important to me.

Answer

yes each child should be treated equally. if you dont love his children the same then why are you with someone with children. I agree with him 1000% if your going to play favorites. dont. just dont. that's terrible

Answer

Nope I can only imagine that feeling is totally normal and natural.

Answer

I don’t understand how you could not have a favorite. Of course you will still care for his kids, but come on... it’s your baby!

Answer

I’m with you on this one. I’m not in your position but I cannot see myself treating my own child the same as stepchildren. You didn’t birth them, you didn’t carry them in your belly for 9months. It’s not the same thing. I’m not saying that it’s the right thing, but can’t change the way you feel.

Answer

Naturally and instinctively, I feel like you would want to love your own flesh and blood more. BUT that doesn’t make it right or okay. 
I’d be really careful to curb any favoritism or treating your own child different than your stepchildren. And if you love your own baby more, that’s natural but don’t let the other children know through your words/actions. Treat them equally with the same rules, same privileges, same consequences, same everything. Invest in them in the time they’re with you and make it clear that you care about them. Treat them as you’d want another person to treat your daughter. 
I’ve seen way too many of the “evil stepmother /evil stepfather” stereotypes play out in real life and it’s so unfair to the children who didn’t ask to be put in that situation. When you chose a man with children, you chose his children too.

Answer

I don't blame you. I was 5 when my dad remarried which is young enough to form a bond, etc. But his kids are grown, and I don't think a strong bond has been established. You will no doubt love your baby differently. It's HIM that shouldn't play favorites. Of course a mother will love her blood more. Who doesn't?

Answer

I’m in the exact same situation. Fiancé has two older daughters and I’m currently expecting my first. 
Of course my relationship with my child will be different. I’ll be the mother. His kids already have a mom. 
I think what your husband means is don’t treat your child better than the other two. 
Don’t punish them for something you wouldn’t punish your own kid for. Don’t let your kid do things they’re not allowed to do. Don’t give your kid the better toys/more candy/more allowance money or whatever just because it’s biologically yours. 
As far as love goes, of course you will always love your own child more than the stepkids.

Answer

I agree with most of what the others say. I just wanted to add that you should talk to your SO about how you feel towards parenting his children. Ask for ways you can start stepping into that role to maybe create more of a bond and love towards them like you’ll have with your child. It may be weird at first if the birth mother is in the picture still but it seems it would be helpful. I grew up in a house with two other siblings and all of us had different dad’s but my stepfather (father to my brother) had a parental role with all of us even though our biological father’s were part time in the picture. Your SO needs to help make that happen so you can keep structure going. Otherwise, when kids start being kids and fussing with each other for example, how are you to not treat them differently if you aren’t even comfortable parenting his? Food for thought.

Am I wrong?

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