(Trigger warning: self harm/suicide, sexual assault) My bf and I have been together around 7 months. He’s my first bf and I was madly in love with him basically from the beginning. However, especially lately, our relationship has gotten progressively more toxic. It was never perfect, from the get go when we first fell in love he would say he’ll kill himself if I break up with him (he has severe depression, as do I, but I take medication for it, he doesn’t anymore) and he still says this. He has sexually assaulted me quite a few times, twice in particular that really fucked me up. I don’t know if he knew he was assaulting me as he was doing it, but the two times in particular he had to know he was doing something wrong because so had clearly expressed to him several times that I wanted him to stop/didn’t want him to continue. There’s things that he does that bother me/hurt me, but every time I try to communicate with him about my feelings he basically turns it around and gets upset and threatens to hurt himself so I’m the one who ends up feeling bad. And I definitely still care for him as a person, i just dont know if I love him anymore. And I never really want to have sex anymore. I’ve spoken to my best friend and mom about all this, and they both say I should break up with him, and i know I should. I just don’t know how to because he is my first boyfriend and I’ve never done anything like that, and I’m mostly afraid that he’s going to hurt himself in some way if we break up. He is dramatic, and in my opinion, milks and exaggerated his depression a lot (coming from someone who’s been through the same shit and is not close minded or ignorant towards it). Despite of this, I really dont doubt that he wouldn’t do something and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.