When I was younger, at the age everyone was boy obsessed- I never was. I had very close friends who were boys and through pressure made them boyfriends but never felt... anything really. Occasionally when I had experienced *feelings*.. it was towards all types of people and I assumed them sexual *feelings* so for about 2 years of my life I identified as bi sexual (didn’t know there was anything else), never came out to family just wasn’t too secretive about it at school and around friends etc. No one seemed to take it seriously, (I suppose gays are like unicorns, a real one would never actually exist, surely 🙄) so I didn’t take it seriously either and eventually stopped using that label. And basically ignored the idea of relationships beyond friendship.

Then when it got to the age where everyone was sex obsessed- I never was but through pressure I caved and had sex, lots of it- almost exclusively with men and anything non hetero I engaged in was very performative- not for my pleasure but for others. I never felt connected to any of these acts and honestly everything sexual I did felt like a performance but I doubled down and sort of made my hyper sexuality my whole personality, even though nothing was further from the truth. This was pretty much how I went on through one abusive relationship to the next until I moved country/continent and thought I’d take this opportunity to be myself (still completely unaware of who that was and what that meant and greatly uncomfortable in my own skin). Then I met my now husband, we instantly clicked- our first date was hours and hours of word vomit of all the things I believe we’d both kept in for a while... how we’re pretty sure we are asexual because we’ve never been interested in sex and don’t understand/are creeped out by how obsessed others get over it, how we’ve never felt quite normal in ourselves because everyone else seems different than us, how emotion is emotion and how logically you would love people the same regardless of gender and it was like a huge weight off to say these things out loud... only problem is we’re 6 years down and have never brought these things up again- it’s as if once we let it all out we were comfortable enough to just be and bottle it back up. All of that freeness in the moment felt so good and now it’s like we have to pretend- even with each other. We ignore issues in our sex life as if they don’t exist and we don’t know why there is issues, my partner ignores comments his male friends have made about them getting together in the past as if it’s baseless and just a joke... it all just feels so uptight and uncomfortable. We’re married now and are fully committed to each other and we’ve spent so long having to pretend for others (family, society, etc) it feels like we shouldn’t have to come home to just another person we pretend with- I want to be comfortable to talk about how we make our sex life work when we both have close to zero sex drive, I want us both to feel comfortable to talk about fantasies and our pasts with those of other genders- I don’t know how long we can last not being ourselves and I find myself getting more and more paranoid that if he’s hiding his feelings from me what else could he be hiding from me- I trust him it’s just not healthy to keep such large parts of you hidden from the person who loves you. (For me at least). He clearly likes the ease of being a straight man in a straight marriage and I get that, I have too for a long time...but now I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m getting older and over the last few years have sort of undercover entered the lgbtqia community as an ally and seeing all of my friends being themselves despite everything has inspired me and I won’t lie, made me jealous. I don’t want to spend my life as only half of myself but don’t want to make my partner uncomfortable because I feel like outing myself would be outing him, which isn’t my place. I don’t want to be captain queer or anything, I don’t even know if I’d say anything to family but with my closest friends and my partner, I’d like to be comfortable to be myself.

Is it even worth bringing up with him?

It’s not like we’re looking for other partners (we’re monogamous) so what would bringing up sexuality/romantic preference even accomplish at this point?

If I were to bring it up, how could I without sounding like the loon writing this essay on here (soz in advance 🙈)?

Honestly just any words of advice would be great, I feel way too old and settled to even be allowed to have these thoughts 🙈😩

I should also add that gender identity is something we’ve both struggled with and for some reason don’t mind talking about together (recent development)- though it’s still a very ‘best around the bush’ conversation 😩

Orgasm

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