I use to be very insecure with abandonment issues. I was in an extremely emotional abusive relationship, I was 16 and he was 23. I thought it was a bad idea because of the age difference but he was so sweet in the beginning and my only escape from my parents, whom were very hard to deal with, especially my father. I was terrified of him because he hits my mom and us sometimes. He would break things in the house when he got angry to ruin my mother's mood when she comes home from work. He wouldn't let us clean it because ahe needed to see. So this guy was a relief from that. Eventually after I opened to him and told him everything he started using it in small ways against me and I couldn't see it at the time. "You're scared to have sex because of what happened to you, you don't have to be because its common for for girls your age, just ignore it" but in my gut it just didn't feel right. I would start crying in the middle of it, I hated it but I felt so alone and isolated that I just went along. Then he would tell mef he had visions from God in his sleep, that we were meant to be together. My parents eventually found out, my father me almost killed me, kicked me out and called me a whore. I could write a whole about his part of my life but lets fast foward 3 years. Needless to say, I ended the relationship, was able to get away even after he threatened to kill himself if I did. I worked a lot on myself.. gained some self respect, confident and love for myself, went to therapy, I have a form of PTSD, with panic disorder and depression.

I was in a new relationship and things were great.. we celebrated our 1 year anniversary and it was the best night of my life yet. But then things changed. He became so busy, he would hang out with his college friends every night till 3 in the morning but rush our one dat together and it got to me. Around this time his mom didn't want us to be together anymore because of my "emotional instability" "cultural differences" I'm Indian and he's Filipino and "religious views" he was catholic and I wasn't religious. Then we would get into arguments because "she has a point." Things were pretty much gone between us. I told him I have been late with my period. We were together one night and we had sex, we talked and he broke up with me. I was so upset because we had loving sex and he said "I wanted to give you last bits of love I had left" and I felt sick to my stomach. Found out I was pregnant and told him. He literally never once called me or texted me after that. Not once. I was fucking terrified. The two people I told, told me to have an abortion and I thought that was the best option I had but I changed my mind. I wanted to keep it but when I really thought it, I had no means of supporting the child. I hated myself for being so weak and giving it. I told my mother cause that was the only person I had. She went with me to get the abortion and I cried on the table as the drugs kicked in and I passed out. I woke up screaming, I couldnt deal with my emotions or myself. I was at the lowest point of my life.

Fast forward two years, I'm still single. I forgave myself, I got help, learned how to love myself again.. my one and only best friend, who I met at the beginning of all of this, got really drunk one night and told me he thinks he's in love with me and I told him I started to have feelings for him but I was scared. After a few months, we decided to try it out. Things were very up and down. He has severe anxiety and a lot of self hate but he's been going to a psychologist and working on it. Our relationship has been very rocky and we hurt each other a lot. And went we thought of breaking up, we had our friendship to fall back on. We talked and talked and worked a lot on ourselves and honestly I'm so glad we pushed through. Because now we've reached a place where we are both so in love and so happy. I trust him with my life and they are no secrets between us.

This might not seem like much to a lot of people but, he understands even when I don't understand myself. I can cry because I feel so relieved to be in this place and to feel like happiness isn't some unrealistic dream anymore. Thank you all for reading, I know its long.