*please note I've had severe depression and anxiety since fifth year in school and have been self harming from grade six to eleventh. I was diagnosed with DDMD and PTSD, but my doctor likes to fling out diagnoses' and prescriptions willy nilly, so please take this with a grain of salt.

For the last two weeks I've had back to back anxiety+panic attacks and these depressive episodes where my mood switches and I want to scream, cry, curse, and just fight myself. I let out my anger on myself but it branches out and snags people, especially my boyfriend who I will protect for my life. He understands and I never say anything cruel, but even if its the tiniest snap at him, I start sobbing uncontrollably for hours sometimes due to guilt. I have these awful nightmares that plague my sleep almost nightly where he hurts me or he gets hurt (both mentally, pysichally, and spiritually.) I was just weened off 20mg of Prozac (common antidepressant) and its been only a month and a half, but I feel so weak and my body goes into this state where it feels gelatinous and almost like its swaying even when I'm still as stone. I was smoking pot with my boyfriend, my friends, and some dickhead I didn't like. Dickhole left and one of my friends (S is a female) and I went to my boyfriends car so we got her home and my baby and I got into an argument. I got so upset and stressed that I got a nosebleed and started crying even more. I got out of the car and almost immediately, I fainted. I fainted four days in a row. I used to faint constantly and always have nosebleeds, especially when I self harmed. I was hospitalized four times to my local psychiatric hospital before and I'm terrified to go back due to my age. Now I'll be with adults. I feel like I'm rambling on and on and not making sense, but I'm sorry, I needed to vent. It's been a rough few weeks.