Knowing it was our last time breastfeeding, my two month old son and I did skin to skin snuggled under a blanket this morning just like our first week together. I cried while he nursed. I told him how very sorry I am that I let him down. I hope he forgives me and I pray this treatment works. I feel as though I have failed as a mother since I can no longer nourish or comfort my child.

I have been living with a dangerously low platelet count for a few months. Every treatment I have tried so far has failed. The only breastfeeding friendly one remaining is a splenectomy, and that is not guaranteed to work either. Because of this condition, I am still bleeding heavily and am at risk of spontaneously bleeding into my brain. I look like a druggy because all of the blood draws and IVs bruise terribly (everything bruises terribly).

Today I began a treatment that is not approved for breastfeeding due to a lack of data. We could have continued to feed (based on science, it should not harm the child) and donated samples of my milk for research, but we chose to stop feeding because I would never forgive myself if there were negative side effects for him. He has been exclusively breastfed, and I am grateful for the time we had (our dr wanted to start this when he was two weeks old but we postponed). Yet it is still breaking my heart.

Knowing this day would come, I have been pumping to increase my supply so I would have a freezer stash to keep him on breastmilk as long as possible. Now, however, I have to dry up that large supply (I pump 8 oz with ease after he feeds).

I put on cabbage leaves and wrapped an Ace bandage around my chest. My husband helped as I stood in the kitchen crying. I pumped a little to relieve the pain (I went from 10 am to 6 pm without expressing), and my husband dumped it for me because I just couldn’t. I reacted to the treatment, so I had quite a bit of Benadryl during the infusion. I read that peppermint tea can help as well? Other suggestions for drying up my supply? I am immune suppressed (this treatment targets a specific immune cell), so I’m quite nervous about mastitis. I also just want this part to be over with so I can try to move forward.

Sorry this got so long! Thanks for the help!