I just can’t😕

Tomorrow marks the due date of a baby I never got to meet, I never got to hold, to love and to feel, tomorrow marks 6 months of trying, 6 months of negative tests, rage and tears, I can’t try anymore, my heart can’t handle another negative test or another argument with my OH because he keeps telling me “stop getting your hopes up” like it’s something I mean to do, tomorrow marks another day of wondering “should I leave him? That way maybe he’ll meet someone who can give him the baby he so desperately wants” because I know he does.. he doesn’t tell me but I know he does.. that’s why he was so over the moon when the positive test came back even though we were only 4 months into our relationship.. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t go on hating myself for that pang of jealousy every time I see someone else with a positive test because although I hope they have the most wonderful pregnancy with a beautiful and healthy baby I wish it were me, I wish it was my test coming back positive😩 I give up trying.. my head hurts, my heart hurts.. my whole body hurts, I just give up.