Hi ladies, did anyone else have such a bad delivery that they still think about it daily?

A bit of back story:

I delivered my little man in July 2017 at 38 weeks. I was considered high risk from the beginning due to high bp. During my pregnancy I was monitored a lot and then was diagnosed with GD and my depression got server enough again to need medication at 18 weeks.

Although all this was going on my baby was happy and healthy and the pregnancy was pretty smooth.

At 38weeks they decided to induce me because they thought I may be getting preeclampsia and my baby was measuring big.

This is where it all started.

Ballon inserted at 7pm Sunday and was in pain all night, didn’t sleep a wink. 6.30am Monday they started my induction and this is where everything went wrong.

During my labour I held in there for 8 hours then had an epidural. During the labour my baby’s heartbeat kept dropping and I wasn’t dilating at all but they couldn’t keep increasing the meds because when they did my baby got more stressed. 2am they said they think I’ll have a c section but I finally started dilating. 5am I started pushing. 6.30 after an hour and half they come rushing in and said I’m going to surgery and will be having a forceps delivery, obviously I was shocked it was happening in surgery but they were worried they wouldn’t get him out.

I was prepared for a c section but they went forward with the forceps. 30min of yanking, being pulled down the bed and 2 drs pulling, my beautiful baby was born, he had shoulder dystocia, cord around his neck and wasn’t breathing. I then hemorrhaged! Whilst they were getting my baby to breathe I was bleeding out. They stopped the bleeding and finally got my baby breathing. I was in a daze!

My baby was taken away for tests and I was cleaned and sewn up. I was then in my shared room waiting in pain having no idea what was going on.

I was helped to have a shower and the pain down there was unbelievable between stitches and hemmeroids the size of melons I could hardly breath let alone sit.

Finally they bought me my baby, my partner was with him the whole time.

After all this it has played on my mind everyday. I want another baby but I can’t get this out of my head! I’m so scared it will happen again or I will be pressured to have a natural birth and risk my life and the baby’s.

Sorry for the long post but I just don’t know how to get past this.