Tonight I got a phone call from my mom. Immediately I could hear excitement in her voice. She said she had exciting news. She told me my brother and his wife were pregnant. I knew from the echo that I was on speaker phone. But immediately I had tears roll down my face. Not happy ones either. Hurt ones. I congratulated them and hurried off the phone. My mind went wild. I had one of those "out of body experiences." My husband said "Timothy and Shelbie pregnant?" I honestly dont know if I answered him. I just got up and said I was going to bed. I came to my room but definitely wasnt ready for bed. I was too angry. I was literally ready to start screaming and punching the wall. I grabbed my keys and asked my husband to go drive with me. I was bawling. we drove for maybe an hour while I cried and bitched it out. I have 3 sister-in-laws on my husbands side. all 3 of them have had babies in the last 4 years. All 3 of them have 2 or more kids. On my side, between me, my brother and sister, we've not had any kids. But each time my sister-in-laws have announced their pregnancies, Ive gotten hurt. But for some reason when my brother announced his, it hurt me so much worse. My husband says its cause thats my brother and not an in-law. I guess he could be right. Seems to always be atleast lol

But I'll give yall a little tiny back story. I just turned 27. I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 6 years. 68 months to be exact!! Ive shed many tears, waited that 2 looooong minutes over a pregnancy test after a missed period, faked that smile for others announcements, walked my walk of shame down the tampon isle. I know that feeling of excitement then disappointment. I know how my brother and his wife must have felt in this last year of them trying. I know I should be over the moon for them. For my parents. So how come Im so angry and bitter. This will be my first niece/nephew that is actually blood. I should be over joyed. But Im not. and because Im not Happy, I feel bad lol like wth is going on in my head right now!!?? Im tired of this pain. Im tired of telling my best friend or my husband. cause I know theyre sick and tired of it. and Ill be damned if I tell my mom or dad and take their joy away. So thats why Ive come here. to rant and talk to others. maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow 💁💁 doubt it though. Ive just never felt this much pain and hurt about someone elses pregnancy. (btw...please dont ask those questions of "have you tried this or that?" thats not what this post is.)

I just want a sign. I know all of us who are ttc does. like can I please just get a sign that says "yo girl...you gonna get preggers one day." or one that says "umm, yes ma'am. we're sorry to inform you that motherhood is not in your future." like I just wanna know if these tears are worth it and I should keep my hope or to begin trying to cope with never being a mother. is that too much to ask for? I mean maybe but still, itd be nice.

anyways...for anyone who has made it this far in my post, thank you!! thank you for reading and hearing me out!! ❤❤