“How come he don’t want me?”

I grew up watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Will’s character reminded me so much of the brother I was always the closest to, so it was familiar and always managed to make me laugh. There was an episode where Will’s dad shows up for some reason or another. I’ve only seen this episode a couple twice, no more than two or three times in my whole life and all when I was under 12. Yet, the one scene near the end has ALWAYS stuck with me, word for word I can remember it all. His dad lets him down inevitably, and he’s telling Uncle Phil “to hell with him.” Finally he starts to cry after a short rant, and asks Phil, “How come he don’t want me, man?” That question has stuck with me my whole life because it’s what I’ve asked myself daily for years. From a young age, I wondered all the time why mom treated me like she didn’t want me as opposed to my oldest brother. He’s also my half brother, the rest of the kids are hers and my dad’s so she always treated my oldest brother better, as if we’re tainted and evil just for being my dad’s kids. I wondered why no one wanted me around in school growing up, unless they needed a favour or help. I’m 23 now, in a mentally abusive marriage, one of my closest brothers has died, I’ve only ever been in abusive relationships, I’ve had no real friends at all, and my mother has gotten drunk and tried to kill me multiple times before I moved out. I have never felt wanted in my entire life, and I’m realising I must be asking myself “why don’t they want me” on a daily basis. Fuck it, nearly an hourly basis. I give away chunks of myself daily to help everyone I can because I never want anyone to feel the way I do. Even though no one has ever done the same for me. I’m so tired and alone, I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I had someone to talk to, but no matter how hard I try to make real friends they ditch me so easily. I can’t even make lasting friends among my husband’s group of friends. They’re nice, but they have no desire to actually be friends with me. They’re happy to only view me as their friend’s wife, not an independent person with a personality and life of my own. I feel like a stray pet, not even a person anymore. I just need to get all this shit off my chest, all I do lately is cry, work and sleep. I can’t even eat, I’m just too fucking depressed to bring myself to eat. I don’t know what to do anymore.