Love-hate relationship

I’ve been in a love-hate relationship with my depression for as long as I can remember. On the one hand I love her because she (I refer to my depression as she/her because it’s two different sides of the same coin. I’m the coin, one side is my normal happy self and the other side is my depressed self) understands me in a way almost nobody else can, and it’s strangely comforting to have her around. I hate her because she comes at the worst time, and makes me miserable, like I’m dependent on her. Whenever I’m happy and stress free (usually during the summer when I’m out of school), she likes to nudge me with a gentle reminder of “hey, I’m still here” and I I hate that but at the same time I feel like a part of me is missing when she isn’t around. I just feel off. I forced myself to clean my room in the hopes that it would snap me out of it but I don’t think it worked. I’ve been to therapy and I know how to pull myself out of it, but sometimes doing that feels like I’m losing my best friend. I hate her. I love her. I can’t live without her and it feels like I can’t lose her. Guess I can’t win no matter what I do.