I don’t know what to do... I went through with an abortion on July 10th. I had seen the picture from the ultrasound just minutes before I gave up and took the route that my boyfriend and the only family I have left, wanted. My mother wanted to kick me out if I decided to keep my baby. She fought and fought with me till I gave in. They thought it was best for me. I wanted to keep my baby. In the end it was MY decision, but I made the decision I thought others wanted. And because I signed those papers and I took those pills and I went through ALL THAT PAIN- to abort a baby I didn’t want to abort. And it’s all my fault...

I’ve been bleeding for 6 weeks now, visited the ER last night. They told me that I haven’t expelled the “pregnancy tissue” completely and that the bleeding is because my menstrual cycle is very irregular and this can cause prolonged bleeding after abortion. I look at the blood soaking every maxi pad I have every day every time I have to use the bathroom... it’s only a reminder of losing my baby.

I don’t like seeing my happy pregnant friends with their baby bumps ready to pop all over Facebook or Instagram. Or mothers running around in a park with their kids...it hurts me. I feel like no where is safe I feel triggered everywhere I turn!

I fight with my boyfriend now. Over everything. He says I overreact to things to much. I brought up the abortion and what we had done to our baby and then he said “It wasn’t even a baby! It was barely a fetus! You wouldnt have been able to see if it’s a boy or girl it’s not like we had an actual child and killed it” It had a heart at three weeks. I was six weeks pregnant, almost seven. To me, that was a baby. I didn’t care about the gender I didn’t care how far along I was and how little my baby was... I loved it before I got to meet it. And I never did... and it’s my fault. It hurt me so much to hear him say that because he’s slowly begun to be less and less supportive and moreso a “get over it already it’s no big deal.” I can’t get over it! He doesn’t understand how traumatized and guilty and stupid I feel. My depression has gotten so terrible I started antidepressants again. I started self harming again. I can’t sleep at night so I take sleeping pills as soon as I’m finished with the day just so I can sleep. I can’t get over this...

Don’t tell me to seek help please because you’d be wasting your time. I have a psychiatrist. He just says what everyone else does... that I’m not alone. That the medication will help. That the depression when HCG levels go back down is normal. I don’t wanna hear it... if you’ve read this far, thank you