*** WARNING: this could be hard for some to read. But I hope it helps someone know they are not alone**** morning

I was lost without a real direction on how to handle everything that was going on in my life. My grandmother and rock was five hours from me. We talked a lot but I tried to cover up what I could. I did not want her to worry. I was vulnerable, and did not know where to turn.

I had moved back home in pursue of my career and going back to school and trying to get my life back on track. I was trying to distance myself from some of the people I felt were holding me back. However, one in particular just would not let me go. I was starting to feel like things where coming together. I was working in my field and had made some wonderful new friendships. I had reconciled with some family members. I had made up with my best friend at the time. I was even looking into going back to school. Things where great, things where falling into place …

When I got an opportunity to go back up north and work for the summer. Excited and a little nervous I made the decision to go up and take the job. I was excited to see some of my old friends that I still have very good bonds with and love dearly. What I was not expecting what for  life to start a tail spin out of control. Leaving me lost and broken.

There was one person that I was not looking forward to coming into contact with when I went back. Someone who had paused me almost relentlessly even when I had moved back home (5 hours away). He almost scared me a little but I told myself that he was harmless, and that he would never ever hurt me. That was a huge mistake, I wished I had listen to my gut when something felt off.

I had recently broke things off with my boyfriend, more because the distance was getting to me and I just could not do it anymore. I wanted him to be there and he had to be at school about two hours away. At the time of the event, my ex-boyfriend and I where on good terms (still are) and we talked a good three to four times a week depending on my schedule.

The man asked if I would come and see him, that he wanted t talk about some things that had gone on between us. He told me where he was, and again I did not listen to the pit in my stomach saying this is not a good idea. No, instead I walked into a situation that I was ill prepared for. That I did not need to be in, and that would change the person I was. Maybe for the better, but in some was maybe for the worst.

When I got to the meeting place, he was in the other room and called for me to come in there. Again, nervous I obliged.   He was laying there. When I came into the room he gave me this come heather look and I felt scared and confused. Almost like I knew what was going to happen, but had no way of stopping it. I turned around to walk back out of the room and was going to just leave altogether, but he was bigger and faster than me I suppose. He leaped up and toward the door where he swung it closed. In that insistent I felt trapped. There was no way that I was going to be able to escape his strength.

I felt in that moment that I knew what was coming. He never wanted to talk at all. He wanted what he had been asking me to give him all a long and he was going to take it whether or not. After just about slamming the door in my face, which was a personalty trait that I had not seen, he ten switched back and gently lead me over to where he was laying. He led me to sitting and he sat next to me. He was talking but I blacked out what he was saying. In my mind I was trying to figure out what I was going to do, and how I was going to make it out of there in one piece. I did not want to fight, I did not want to make it harder on myself. Honestly I just froze sitting there. It felt like there was nothing that I could do to escape him at the moment.

He was now leaning in closer and my heart was racing. I did not wanna do this I just wanted him to let me leave. Then my mind went to me having to go to work in a few hours. He asked if something was wrong, to which I replied, “I just have to be to work in a few hours so I need to get home to get ready.” He shock his had, and said, “You can leave as soon as we are done, I promise you will have enough time to get ready for work.” Chills went up and down my spin as he laid me back and started to kiss me. I squirmed to try and get away with no success. Then I said, “Really I don’t wanna do this, I just wanna go home.” He started to kiss me. Which I was guessing so that he would not have to hear my pleas to let me just leave.

He then started to undress me, and I was uncomfortable as he kept telling me I was beautiful. He was telling me all the things that he couldn’t wait to do and I just turned my head. He started to kiss me and I felt the wight of his entire body on mine. “Your so sweet baby.” I again tired to squirm out of his grip and cover myself. But I couldn’t mostly because he grabbed my me by my thighs and dug his nails into me. “Just lay back babe, it’ll be okay I promise.” He used his knees to hold my thighs still and his hands to pin my arms down as he started his assault.

I could not believe that this was happening. Why, was he doing this? When he knew that I did not want to be with him. I did not want anything todo with him. I just wanted to leave. However, I knew that no was not going to be enough for him. He was going to do this whether I wanted it or not. So as I was laying there pinned down with him inside me, I succumbed to him. I had to, I was trying to make this as easy on myself as possible I came to gips this was happening. I quit fighting. When he realized that I had he knelt down and his head disappeared below me. I knew he couldn’t see me so I started to tear up some. Then I thought, no you are not going to let him see you break down. You are going to get through this. He is going to do what he is going to do and you are going to get out of here. You are not going to give him any reason to not let you walk out of here.

When he was finished, He laid on top of me. “It was better than I expected it to be. Thank you.” He tired to go again. “I can’t I have to go home and make dinner for my sisters and get ready for work.” I replied to his advances. “Okay, feel free to come back and see me.”

I got dressed in the bathroom and walked out the door and back home. As soon as I got home I jumped in the shower. On the walk back I had made the decision that I was not going to the hospital. I could not go through that, I did not think I was strong enough. Plus I think apart of me could not really admit to myself what had really just happen. So instead I showered, cried it out, and got ready for work. While at work I was really unfocused. I could not quit thinking about what happened and how I had an appointment with a new GYN at the end of the next month. I was also going home and I was worried someone was going to see it written all over my face. I was worried about being around any men.

I to this day have not said anything to my GYN. I just could not bring myself to tell her what had happened. I guess I still have not fully come to terms with what happened.