Blame
Trigger warning.
I was raped twice: the first time was cruelly during a threesome with a boyfriend and his friend. Another guy lived in the house, and I'd explicitly told my boyfriend and the other guy who we were playing with that guy 3 wasn't allowed. My boyfriend left the room for whatever reason, my back was to the door, and the other guy came in and just grabbed me and stick himself in. I tried to push him away but the other guy held my head down to the bed. Needless to say, when my boyfriend came back he was furious. I never forgave him for leaving me in that situation though.
The other was by a guy I was friends with and had slept with before. I had just started seeing my (now) husband and had my friend over to my dorm room, he tried teasing me and eventually just pushed me into my bed and pulled my pants off, kept his mouth on mine while pulling a condom on, and didn't stop until he realized I was crying. Then asked me if I was okay, and told me not to tell anyone.
It's been five years, and I still blame myself for both. I am the feminist to end all feminists, and try to never blame a victim, but I keep seeing all the ways I could have stopped them. I don't think sexual freedom should be synonymous with risk of assault, but I can't stop the self blame.
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