My boyfriend of 8 years is always avoiding the subject of marriage. It’s our 9 year anniversary tomorrow. And last night I brought up to him his thoughts on us getting married and he responded “tell me what would change if we’re married?” I told him the reasons and the beauty in marriage and he said “marriage is stupid. I’m already fully committed to you.. Don’t need some stupid paper to say I’m only yours. I get that marriage is only good if you have children. Which I don’t want so. I know you do, so maybe we’ll have one kid.”

He started to get defensive about the subject. We went from a chill and good relationship conversation, to him suddenly getting angry at me when I asked if he ever propose. He knows I believe in marriage. And at the beginning of our relationship he told me he believed in it too and saw its good in it. Now he suddenly hates the idea. I feel mislead all these years thinking he marry me. He says he’s committed but his instagram searches are always full of other woman. No one knows I exist on his social media. I’ve asked for years if he wanted to post a cute photo of us from our trips on it. He always says “I hate social media.” But he always on it. And that gives me the vibe he’s just with me in the mean time... while he’s searching for the girl he really wants while he pretends to be single on his apps. My friends caught him flirting with girls at the bar once two months ago and when I brought that up to him he accused me of being crazy. He says he loves me and I’m the only one for him. But then why does he panic when I mention one of the girls in his search bar he always creeps on. So I pretend to have met one of these girls to see his reaction and causally bring it up saying “yea I met this girl etc etc” his face looks panicky when i mention one of the names of the many girls he searches on insta and then he gets super chatty and try’s to deflect the convo a bit and and asks how I know this girl. And begins to get super cuddly with me? Its odd. I’ve done it twice to pretend I chatted with one of those girls he’s search to see how he acts and it’s always the same. Panic and then says he loves me.

I feel he’s pretending to be single... but hasn’t the entire relationship. I’ve been loyal for 9 years... he goes through my phone if he wants and I’ve been an open book with my heart. I’m tired of waiting for a man to propose. I want children one day, i want to get married. I even said once when we fought about marriage two years ago, and after he wore me down making me feel bad about marriage that I’m willing to compromise to not get married cause I love him. I feel like I’m not in a fully hearted relationship. I don’t feel he’s fully in... but he was in the beginning but now he isn’t.

Ladies I feel so depressed with this. With him making me feel crazy for wanting to be married and to have babies.