Things to get off my chest

I'm restless, I can't sleep at night because I'm broken, can't you see. Sometimes I wish I fucking die just so that my misery might finally end. You know what's really fucking stressful? Wanting to die but having reasons not to. Fucking shit, I really want to fucking die but I can't put the ones I love through that pain. It fucking sucks when no one seems to hear you scream, when no one seems to see you cry. They just don't get it, I don't have peace inside because I have all this anger bottled inside of me. No wonder I'm so aggressive. Some say I might end up as an alcoholic but if you had been through the shit ive been through, you would too. They want me to be different but they don't understand how it feels to scream and have no voice, what it's like to lift your fists up but have no power. What's it's like to witness how others put their foot on someone else's throat just because they can, to witness others taking someone else's everything and throwing it away like it's nothing. They don't understand how it's like to live your whole life through unfairness and injustice. How it feels to think that God isn't real, that he heard your screams for help but did nothing. And its not like he can't say that he didn't anything because he has no power because he does have the power. What it's like to feel like it's your own damn fault why these things keep happening and I don't know if anyone is going to read this but I got shit to clear out my head. First fuck you goes to my fucking dad who betrayed my mum so many times,took her love for granted. She was willing to do anything for that man, you fucking bastard. You beat us, your children when you weren't beating my mother. You were a fucking coward alcoholic and to top it all off you were fucking my mum's sister and left her after she told you she was pregnant. How may times did I cry out to you when your drunk friends would do whatever they wanted with me? How many times did I need you? How many years did I wait for you to come back since you said you would come back? 6 years dad because I loved you no matter what monster you were but I moved on. I fucking hated you, I wish I could cause you much more pain that you caused mum. Second fuck you goes to all those that thought I was too fucking naive too realize what was happening. Since I was young you thought I was stupid. Don't you think I knew what you were doing when you let your hands roam free. I'm not fucking stupid! Was it excelerating to sexually touch a young girl and ruin her innocence and her childhood? Was it fun to make a little girl grow up so fast? Third fuck you goes to my fucking stepdad. What did you expect? That I would keep my mouth shut? That the truth wouldn't come out eventually? Fucking stupid bastard, you were fucking my mum but that clearly wasn't enough for you. You had to turn to me and my little sister, YOU DISGUSTING PIG! I can still see your face of enjoyment while my little sister had a face of disgust when you forced her lips onto places they shouldn't have been. Every time you were done with us, she would cry in my arms. She would beg me to make it stop, she wasn't supposed to go through that. She was only 8 years old so I begged you to leave her alone and do whatever you wanted to me. That's how much I fucking love my sister, you bastard. I did whatever you wanted, every favour. I let you do things to me, your every desire but that wasn't enough. You wanted to take my virginity and that was the only thing I wouldn't let you have. Which made you furious so you started threatening us with the life of my new baby sister, your fucking child. You started coming in while I showered. You made me act like we were getting along around my mum so that she wouldn't suspect a thing. You don't know how many times I would scrub myself in the shower because I felt so fucking dirty. How I couldn't face myself anymore, I couldn't see myself in the mirror without throwing up. I couldn't even see myself in the shower without throwing up. Every time I would shower I would look straight ahead. Eventually I couldn't hold it anymore,I told the truth. You're in prison but you took me with you. I'm imprisoned by the memories, the flashbacks. When I told my mom, she didn't believe me at first. One of her closest friends made her believe that I provoked you. That I was lying, i had made the whole thing up to get you out. Since from when we first met I never liked you. When she finally did believe me, she was devastated. She tried to commit suicide because to her, you were her fucking angel. Now my baby sister has to grow up without a father and that's not the worst part. It's when she'll start asking questions like where are you or why are you where you are. She'll be broken, when she finds out what you did to her sisters. Fourth fuck you goes to my last ex, you fucking bitch. You took advantage of my brokenness and broke me even further to make yourself feel better. You had everyone wrapped around your finger, you made me seem like the bad person in our relationship. You made me feel even more insecure about myself, you used me sexually to get your desires. However, mine didn't mean shit to you and oh you never took no as an answer. You used your strength when nothing went your way, you didn't care if I was yelling. Begging you to stop, you carried on anyways. You had your way with words because you always found a way to make me forgive you. Fifth fuck you goes to all the people that made me feel less, small, and weak. All of you are fucking bitches! You tried tearing me down from the beginning because you saw my potential. You saw what I'm capable of. You know, it's funny because all of you are the creators of this monster. The more I witness how mankind is the more noI understand serial killers. You beat me down but I keep getting back up. I have scars to remind me that you were able to turn even myself against me. I have battle scars that nobody can take away from me because they're me. These scars physical and psychological remind me of who I am and what you are.